Baby Hopes

2012-01-02T23:16:00.000-06:00

I had a dream last night.

I haven't had a "baby" dream is over a year or longer. And usually in those dreams I already have a baby. I'm not actually pregnant. You know that show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"? If you watch that show, you soon realize that alot of the stories featured on there are women who have PCOS. The reason I'm even mentioning that is because if I were to get pregnant naturally the chances of me knowing right off are slim. I could go weeks or longer not knowing I'm with child. I don't think I could go 9 months though. Haha!

So in my dream I was 24 weeks along when I discovered I was pregnant. I took a pregnancy test & it came out positive & then I went to the Dr for him to confirm it. I was wearing one of those old maternity moo-moo dresses with the big bow around the neck. Haha! I was at the doctor waiting on the results & an ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. Imagine finding out you are pregnant & what you are having in the same day! I wasn't telling anyone, until I had the Doctor's say so & I was going to announce it on facebook.

It would be nice for this dream to come true. In my devotion today it talked about dreams that God has placed in your heart. I know the desire to be a Mom is a dream that He placed there. It's been there since I was a little girl, playing with my first baby doll. I didn't seek out this dream. It's not something I searched for. Nothing sparked it. It was there from the beginning of me. So I know He alone put it deep in my heart. It's the only dream I have ever known, besides becoming a wife & that dream was fulfilled on May 12th, 2000. I can remember before meeting Daniel, I didn't know if I would ever get married, but I knew I would be a Mom. As a teen I saw an ad in a magazine that was for artificial insemination. I thought then & there "Even if I don't get married, I will do that! I'll go to a sperm bank & have babies on my own." Of course I was a very naive teen in my thinking, but the point is, I knew that being a Mom would definitely be a part of my adult life.

This was a line from my devotion today "Some people set them (dreams) out of sight so they don't have to think about them anymore. And some people finally just give up on their dreams because it hurts too much to hold on." I have set this dream as far out of sight as I can muster & it definitely hurts too much to hold on. I pray all of the time that God would take this dream away from me, if it's not to be fulfilled. I'm hoping this new year that if this dream is going to come true, that doors will open & the path will become straighter...Clearer. That I will feel deep down in my heart of hearts that holding on to that dream is not worthless or pointless. That keeping this dream alive is for something more beautiful than I ever imagined.We have a "Scripture Board" hanging in the kitchen where it can always be seen. I am the one who chooses the scripture to write on there. But today I asked D to find one. Of course he hem-hawed around about it, but then he finally me told what scripture he wanted to use & this was it....

Be happy in your hope. Do not give up when trouble comes. Do not let anything stop you from praying. ~Romans 12:12 NLV

BE HAPPY IN YOUR HOPE. I love that. And perfectly fitting. So this year, I'm going to try with all I am, to be happy in my hope, even when hoping is killing me.

Been A Long Time....

2011-08-31T21:18:00.000-05:00

This blog has been private for a long time. And it's been a year since I last posted anything. So much was going on in my life & the last place I could allow my heart to go was anywhere near "baby stuff." Having the blog open, also let people be able to email me about their infertility struggles & honestly, I just had nothing to say or give to them.

In November 2010 D lost his job. I had a dr's appointment scheduled to see about surgery. That of course had to be canceled since we lost our insurance also. D got a new job within the month, but it was in Memphis. He began commuting, while I packed up our home. I was struggling with this move, but excited for D since it was a dream job. In the back of my mind I held on to the idea that just maybe Memphis was the place we would finally begin our family. After 10 weeks of D living in Memphis during the week, it turned into a nightmare, when he was let go with zero notice. Throughout all of this I was dealing with some health issues & still am.

In those desperate weeks of no job & the possibility of having to move in with my parents we were approached with the idea of adopting a baby boy. Why oh why was the Lord doing this to us now???? I don't understand the ways of the Lord, but I figured if He was bringing this child to us, then He knew it was perfect timing, even though we didn't. After showing interest & trying to not get my heart involved, things didn't work out. But I couldn't understand the purpose of flashing something like that in front of us.

Then after a few months passed & our situation got a little bit better, my friend that contacted me about the baby, said the babies birth mom wanted my phone number because she wanted to talk to me about taking the baby again. The baby boy was a year old. D & I prayed & talked. Prayed & talked somemore. We looked into the cost & legal aspect of it all. I began to really invest emotions & energy into the prospect of bringing this child into our home & lives. But once again things didn't work out. And this time....My emotions got more involved than I had planned. It's very difficult for them not too, especially when it's what your heart desires the most.

I feel jaded & hurt, by so many things. I try not to think of about it all, because if I dwell on it I would just be a big heap of sobs on the floor. So I push on. But I also keep myself secluded because it's easier to deal that way. And honestly, it's not always intentional either. It's just how I cope. I know people get upset with me. I see or hear the jabs. I realize I'm not the greatest friend at times. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I tend to stand back. But while my friends have all gone on in life with raising their children, I have truly been left behind. I don't think they realize the magnitude of it all. Not just the "baby stuff" but also my health also. I don't talk about that stuff either. Because frankly, I don't want too. But there are other things going on in my body besides being infertile. It's easier for me to be alone, I guess than to place my issues on someone else's door step. Sometimes people don't know how to respond when you open up about my health issues...The air becomes awkward when it is revealed. So I don't reveal much or anything at all. I also feel that some of the people I have talked with about the "baby stuff", figure I should be over this by now. I wish I could be over it too. I wish I didn't have to deal with it at all. It is extremely hard to be the only "none" Mom when all of my friends are just that...Moms. I don't have my children to talk about. I don't relate on that level. I think some people feel they are above me, more mature than me, because they are Moms & have experienced that incredibly complicated joy.

We went to see my little cousin get baptized & while I sat in the church next to D, surrounded by tons of people rejoicing at these precious kids publicly proclaiming their dedication to Christ, I had to hold back the tears. One little boy came up & as he was repeating what the pastor was saying, it felt like stabs in my heart. Why can't my child be up there? Why don't I have a child up there? I could. But why don't I? It angers me. I'm mad. I am so mad. I'm mad that I don't. I'm mad that I am not a Mom. That D is not a Dad. That we are out of the loop. That we are not watching our child/children proclaiming their love of Jesus. That now do to circumstances the idea of having a child from my body or adoption seems next to impossible.

I saw an article recently, that said....."Unlike countries where couples can go broke trying to conceive with the assistance of costly medical technology, Israel provides free, unlimited IVF procedures for up to two “take-home babies” until a woman is 45. The policy has made Israelis the highest per capita users of the procedure in the world."
I think I need to move to Israel for awhile! Wow!

But in all honesty....Getting pregnant & giving birth is not the only way I feel I can be a Mom. I don't want anyone to ever think that. It for us was the cheaper way. Adoption is SO expensive. And I hate when people ask that. "Why don't you just adopt?" Just adopt? Really? Is it that simple? To just la-de-da down the road & pick a baby? It is NOT that easy. And it's more money that you can imagine. If we were able to, don't you think I would have a house full of children by now? There is no way I would be almost 35 & still no childless.

The other day I was cleaning out the fridge & in the back was a box of injectable fertility meds. It expires in December, but I could not for the life of me throw it away. It feels like I would be throwing away one more piece of the dream.

Right now though......It's all on hold & I don't know if it will ever be pursued again.....Ever. And the idea of that cripples me. I'm hoping & praying that once I can get some of these health issues under control that trying to conceive or whatever way becoming a Mom for me is, can & will be in the future. Besides, I want to turn this blog into one full of life, laughter & love about my children! I am so over being stuck in the muck.

*just a reminder...Please don't comment on Pink Lucy about this blog.*

2010-08-26T15:23:00.001-05:00

I just posted this as my status on facebook...

I enjoy reading devotions that are made especially for women, but can I say how absolutely aggravating it is when they talk about being a Mom or how train up your child, ect. So, to the people who write devotions...Not all women are Moms & don't need the daily reminder that they are not. Thank you.

Because of those devotions....I end up more discouraged than encouraged.

I have been silent for a long time....I just don't know where I am in this journey. I sorta feel stranded on a deserted island with no resources at this point. Last year at this time we were right slab dab in the middle of injectables, HCG shots, Dr appointments, vaginal ultra sounds & scheduled everything else, knowing in our hearts that we were about to hear the joyful news we were going to be parents. I honestly do not know why I'm sitting here today & that is not the case. I try not to think about it too much because it is too painful.

I battle with my thoughts so often. Like...Maybe this is just my lot in life? If so, what am I to do with it now? The boy & girl names, I feel were given to me by the Lord are just going to go to waste. And they are such lovely names. I'm older & set in my ways, maybe I couldn't deal with children now. Why is this desire so strong in my heart? Is it my own flesh longing for something that is just not mean to be? I feel sinful...guilty for thinking that way. I do know my God has a plan for me....I just don't have a clue what it is. Or which direction to go in. So I stand frozen. I'm miserable, dealing with so many things that swirl around in my head, that manifest itself in emotional eating. Always something it seems.
I hope no one thinks the only way I want to be a Mom is by giving birth. That is not the case at all. I would have a house full of children if there were money to adopt. That has always been in my heart. Maybe it will happen someday. But someday...Is closer everyday & I don't see how it can happen. But what do I know?

I have also been thinking about making Baby Hopes private....So no one can see these thoughts. I still may do that. I'm just very guarded these days......

2010-05-11T12:16:00.000-05:00

One of my very sweet friends sent me this today. I wanted to share it for those that may need to read it. But also I wanted to post it to keep as a reminder to myself.

2010-05-09T01:20:00.001-05:00

*Mother's Day*

When I was little this was a day to celebrate my Mom.

As I grew up & began thinking of the future it was a day I looked forward to someday celebrating with my own children. The idea of flowers or a card given to me by chubby little hands warmed my heart.

After I got married, as the first few Mother's Days passed, my longing for a baby grew stronger & the day became one that I anticipated celebrating soon.

Now this day is a day of despair for me. I dread it. The week prior I feel my gut slowly begin to tie into knots. It used to not be easy to go to church on Mother's day for me. I would tear up. But now...I sob throughout, so I choose to stay home. Why get dressed up, go somewhere to cry your eyes out & have to leave? Not my idea of celebrating.

I wonder if I will ever be able to truly embrace this day as a Mom? Everyday there is a reminder that I do not have children. But this is one day of the year that is all about women who are mother's in one way or another. It's not about the gifts or being honored, I could care less about any of that....

It's about being called Mom. What a celebration that is.

2009-09-21T14:29:00.006-05:00

I really do not know where I am emotionally. I'm confused. Hurt. Numb. Angry. Crushed. And yes even hopeless.

When we were given such a gift as a free IUI, something we could not afford on our own, it felt like "This is it!" There was no way, we were not going to get pregnant. I mean, why would our Dr offer such a blessing, if it were for nothing? I know I share stuff about our journey on this blog & I will freely talk about stuff if asked. But when we left the Dr's office that morning, I called my Mom & told her to send out a mass e-mail on facebook, telling people to pray. I called my 2 closests friends got them praying & when I got home, I sent out my own e-mail to my fb friends, that knew about our situtation. The response was overwhelming. Everyone was right there, praying. There was such a confidence in knowing there were so many people lifting us up & praying this baby to life. We had no doubt I would become pregnant with that IUI.

On that Friday morning, D & I met the Dr at his office super early. And we told him, we knew this was our day. We were going to create a baby today. And we believed it with all of our heart.
After the IUI, I came home & spent the next day & a half in the bed. You don't have to do that, but there was no way I was going to risk anything. I would lay in the bed for 9 months solid if that is what it would take.

I went a week later to have my progesterone levels checked & they were great! Yay! Another hurdle. But I just know I was pregnant. I was standing on His promises. I was not backing down. This was it! The next week was the longest week ever. I was having some "signs" of pregnancy, but with all the meds & hormones, pumped into me, I get those "signs." I was just believing they were pregnancy symptoms & not side effects. D & I talked as if I were pregnant. We talked about names, how we would tell his parents, that this Christmas would be about getting stuff for the baby & not video games for him. I was thinking about how I was going to prepare 'the kids' for their new human sibling. And then the long list of things we had to get done around the house. Everyday I spent my time thanking the Lord for this precious little one that was growing inside of me. Our true miracle baby.

Friday came....The day for the pregnancy blood work. Aunt Flo was late & then there was all of those "signs." But I was getting anxious...Well, I had been all week. Every time I would get that way, I would just think of all the people standing with us believing. And those that the Lord had prompted to pray for us, even before they knew the reason why. I went & got my blood taken & after I left the Dr's office, I began to cry out to the Lord. I told Him, to please let this be positive. I don't know how I will take it if it were negative. D was home sick, so as soon as I got home, I took a home pregnancy test. D waited with me & it was negative. So, I took another one. Negative. It was over. D kept saying, we still had the results from the blood work to wait on. But I knew, I was not pregnant. I lost it. I was beyond crushed. I broke. I just stood there sobbing. All my hopes & dreams were snatched from me in that moment. I ended up crying myself to sleep & slept for hours. Well, when I woke up to make matters worse, Aunt Flo had decided to arrive, to seal the deal. I stayed in bed crying the rest of the day. My Dr called about 9 that night, to tell me the results of the blood work. And of course they were negative. He talked to me about some other options & wanted to see me on Monday to discuss them further.

I spent the rest of the weekend, hibernating & crying. How could I not be pregnant? How? I do not understand. Out of all the times, wouldn't this be the time for it to happen? Why were we given such a blessing for it to not be fulfilled? I know the things I am going to type here, may not sound logical, but you have to take into account the emotional mind frame I am coming from. I believed with my entire being. I stood on His word. I didn't back down. There were so many people believing with us. So, where did we go wrong? I felt forsaken...Even though I know He will never forsake me. But that is how I felt. It was as if, someone came & literally ripped out all of my hope & there was a huge empty place left. What was the purpose for all of this? I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. But what the heck was the reason for this heartache? I mean really? Come on God! This is ridiculous!!! Someone said to me that I was putting demands on God...No I was believing, just like His word says. I never once said, "You better give me this or else." I don't play that game with Him. I will say, I can't bare this anymore. But I don't make demands. Now how I am going to tell all of these amazing people that the prayers didn't work? I was ashamed & embarrassed to have to say on facebook, that it didn't work. Again...I know that sounds silly. But I could not wait to share our good news with everyone. I had even saved all of those "I'm praying" messages to put in a book for the baby. And what about those confirmations from people, saying I was pregnant. How were so many wrong? It breaks my heart, because I feel like such a failure. All these wonderful people stood with us & believed. Why didn't it work? What is wrong with me that I can not get pregnant? Why am I not worthy enough? In my mind this was our last hope, we were done with it all. Why would He open such a huge door, to allow it to be slammed in our face? None of it makes any sense whatsoever.

I am still an emotional basket case & I feel so incredibly vulnerable. The tears are just "right there." I dreaded going to see the Dr this morning. I was not suppose to be having to do this! I was suppose to be pregnant. And I am at my wits end on every level. I am not going to give up though. Even though every part of me wants to do just that. And as long as my insurance covers all the meds & my Dr thinks I can get pregnant, we will continue.

We are going to be trying a new route. And this one is a bit scarier for me. I don't feel like going into the details. I feel like I put myself out there too much this last time. People knowing when we should know the results can put too much pressure on you. So, I am guarding this one. But I will say this...Praise You Jesus for our insurance. The meds would have cost $800 for 1 month, but with that awesome insurance, it only cost $100.

I do not want anyone to think that I have lost my faith in the Lord. Heavens NO! But like I have said in the past, He knows my heart. He knows my anger, fear, doubts, anxiety, frustration & confusion. Who am I kidding by trying to hide that from Him? He does my thoughts before I think them. I have an honest relationship with my Jesus & I wouldn't want it any other way. Like the last few days, I told him I don't even know what to say to Him. So, I prayed for other people. I am still praising Him in the storm. Even though I feel I am drowning at this point.

This is a super long post, but for the last few months I have been meaning to post this song by Kari Jobe. Now is the perfect time.

Here are the lyrics...
You Are For Me
Kari Jobe

So faithful. So constant.
So loving and so true.
So powerful in all You do.

You fill me. You see me.
You know my every move
and You love for me to sing to You.

I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weaknesses

I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me who You are.

So patient, So gracious,
So merciful and true…
So wonderful in all You do.
You know me. You see me.
You know my every move.
You love for me to sing to You

Lord, I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weaknesses.
I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.

To remind me that
I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weaknesses.
I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me who You are.

I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weaknesses.
I know that You will come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me of who You are.

2009-09-19T14:44:00.002-05:00

Thank you everyone that has been praying for D & I over the last couple of weeks. Things didn't work out as we had hoped & believed they would. To say we are heart broken, doesn't even come close. We will need some time to work through all of the emotions. And are not sure exactly where we go from here. Thank you again for all of your prayers, love & concern.

2009-09-02T08:10:00.003-05:00

I just have not felt like talking about any of this stuff the last few months. Just wanting to keep it close to my heart. I guess mainly because, sometimes the more you put things out there, the more vulnerable you become. And I was just tired of being vulnerable, to be honest.
Back in May we did begin doing Clomid once again. Then after a month, this journey took a new turn, when I began having to take an HCG shot in my stomach to force ovulation. That first month was beyond painful, when I thought my ovaries were going to burst.
Every month has been more & more encouraging, until the negative pregnancy test or sign of "Aunt Flo." All of my levels have gotten better each month. And each month there has been "Old Faithful" as my Dr refers to it. "Old Faithful" is the one follicle that is always in my left ovary. I never have more than one & there is never one in the right ovary. Yesterday "Old Faithful" was bigger than ever!
My Dr, thinks it is time to try IUI. He has talked to us about it before, but I always let him know we can't afford it. Again yesterday he brought it up, I began to cry. It's so difficult to know that something that could increase your chances of becoming a parent is right there, but money is what is standing in the way of a dream being fulfilled. My Dr. said, "Well, let's do this one on the house!" I burst into tears at that point! I could not believe it!
D & I really feel this is a miracle & a huge door the Lord has opened for us. He would not open such a huge door, if it were going to be closed. We are believing that this is our time & our week to conceive a baby! So, if you are reading this please be in prayer for us!

2009-05-09T03:57:00.005-05:00

I didn't realize I hadn't posted anything since January. But I have had a quiet heart about this journey. Just holding it all close. Not wanting to feel too exposed. I sometimes, get gun shy after sharing too much on here. I have written several things, only to save them in draft form. There are new things happening, but I'm just not ready to talk about it.

Here is something I did write on March 17th 2009 & never posted it...

I find myself in such an odd place now. There are alot of things going on in my heart that I can't seem to understand or even articulate. I do feel like I am wrapped inside a cocoon I have fashioned to survive. And I only peek out occasionally, never knowing how much I can take of the "real" world that lives on the outside. Knowing that others are out there believing, praying & hoping does make such a difference for me. Those sweet baby Converse in the new header of my blog were given to me by one of those incredibly special supporters. She has no clue just how much those tiny shoes & her thoughtfulness have touched me. Their words of encouragement & that they believe that the Lord wouldn't have placed the desire in me, if He weren't going to make it happen...Well...It is never taken lightly.

I went to the gyno today. It was just for my annual "girly" visit, but we did talk about the next steps in all of this. But I absolutely HATE it all. I HATE that it is so hard for me. That I don't know when my body ovulates or that it even does at all. That I may have to be monitored. That it could take drugs to get me pregnant. That those drugs may not work. I hate that we don't have the money to do IUI, In vitro or to adopt (which some seem to think is the simple answer to it all). I hate that I can't just do the married thing with my husband & create a life without a care in the world. I hate that losing weight must be what I have to do. I hate all of the hoops that I have to keep jumping through blindly but never see any fruit from it all. I hate the tears that I cry myself to sleep with. I hate the physical ache that overtakes my heart & arms. It's not just a longing, it's a pain that I feel in my body that will not go away. I hate the dreams of being a Mom only to wake up to reality where I am not. I hate the wondering what I will do if I am never to become the one thing I have more desire for than I know what to do with. What will I do if it never works? If all those prayers are never answered? Time is passing me by so quickly & I can not do anything about it. I can't stop it. Change it. Who will I be if Mommy is never apart of my description? I don't know what to do. I am at my wits end. I am trying with every fiber that is in me to trust in the Lord. But I don't know if he hears me anymore. My faith says He does, but my pain says no. I don't know how to pray about it all anymore. 8 years of praying the same things have left me weary. And besides, I think he knows my heart by now. He's heard my cries. Now all I can say is..."You know Lord." I probably shouldn't have said all of this, but that is where I am in this very moment as I type. I am just being the human that I am. And Praise the Lord, he knows that too.

2009-01-22T00:40:00.005-06:00

It's January...The target date of getting back on this road once again. And I am apprehensive for several reasons, I'm not going to lie. This last week I have stopped taking all my meds, per my Doctor of course. One of the meds was for weight lose. I wouldn't want to stay on it forever, but it makes me nervous to come off. I have lost over 50 pounds in the last 6 months. Which is an accomplishment. I will not give all the credit to a pill though. It has been through prayer & making a change in my eating habits. I basically eat what I want to in small portions. I stop when I am satisfied, not when the plate is empty. Also no seconds. And I only eat when I am hungry not because the clock says it's time. I praise the Lord for helping me succeed in this.
My Dr. said that if I can maintian this weight lose, my chance of conceiving will go up greatly. My blood sugar levels are actually better than normal. Again through His healing power.

I'm also just nervous about going through all the emotions again. This past year all of that has really been on hold...Going through the month wondering if I am pregnant, taking that test, it being negative, crying, getting depressed, trying to remain hopeful, waiting for AF to return again to begin the cycle over, it is one insane rollercoaster ride. And I didn't even mention half of the twists & turns. Because trying was set aside, especially these past 6 months, I didn't realize it, until the time was coming to a close. But in order for me to survive the waiting, I allowed a massive wall to be built as a source of protection for my heart. A protection from many things. The longing to be a mom can become so overpowering at times, I can't breath. I can't live like that. It is such a struggle. My incredibly best man that could ever be my husband, Daniel has so much hope that we will concieve & have a healthy baby. Thank You Jesus for him. I have to survive on Daniel's faith at times. It keeps me strong, when I do feel hopeless. I guess I'm just afraid of going through it all again. But I know at the end, there will be blessings than I can't imagine.

I happened to begin journal #38 this week. What perfect timing to open a fresh new journal. I have a stack of empty journals waiting to be written in & I grabbed one that I had bought months ago. I liked it because it has a little cartoon lady with dark hair sitting at a bistro, with a cute puffy black puppy on a leash. It's also made by the Christian company Dayspring, so each page has a scripture at the bottom. I opened up the empty journal in the middle to look at the pages as I was making my decision on which one I wanted to use & my favorite scripture was across the page...For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11. Well, that cinched the deal. The scripture that is on the front of the journal is, Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Ps.37:4. Can't get better than that. Thank you sweet Jesus for your reminders.

I was thinking the other day about the many women I have met through this blog & I believe just about all of them, that were in the same boat as me, have at least 1 baby now. Daniel says maybe my blog has the magic touch...Hhhhmmm...I wish it would touch me! Geez.

Here we go again....I just handed in my ticket for this ride. I'm ready. This time it better end with me puking from morning sickness (something I gladly welcome) & not from stress.

2008-11-19T00:29:00.003-06:00

So, the...Ahem... "Pregnant Man" is now pregnant AGAIN!!!!
Uummm...Lord.....Uuuhhhhh......Please.....
I think IT IS MINE TIME ALREADY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!

2008-10-21T02:14:00.002-05:00

I found this article on Resolve. I thought it explained the emotional turmoil that infertility can cause, so family & friends will know how to help their loved ones cope with this madness.
You can check it out------->HERE. It has some good information.

2008-10-15T19:00:00.001-05:00

A candle is lit for you little one........

2008-10-15T01:45:00.003-05:00

2008-10-10T10:54:00.011-05:00

Baby making is still on hold until January. I knew I had a Doctor visit coming up & I prayed about whether or not to begin the trying game again or wait another 3 months. The reason for waiting is because of the meds my doctor put me on to help with weight loss & also to control my insulin levels. They have been very successful. So, much so my Doctor was about to do cartwheels when he read my #'s. I don't really want to say the amount of weight...I feel I will jinx myself some how. I'm weird that way, I usually shout it out if I loose weight & I end up gaining it back. But it is a significant amount. And my insulin levels went from so high that if they went any higher I would be a diabetic to doing super good! They dropped about 30 points! I got my cholesterol levels back in the mail with Beautiful Profile written on the report. That made me smile. I have a beautiful cholesterol profile. Hahaha! I have read that if you loose 10% of your body weight, the chances of becoming pregnant increase. I have surpassed the 10%. Actually my Doctor said my body is in a much better place for a baby. What a blessing it all is! So, now we are going to wait until January to see if I can loose anymore weight. I am not a skinny person, I never have been & it is not a goal in anyway. I just had the 10% as a goal. So anything after that is a pure gift. Plus with the holidays & my birthday coming up, adding the cost of Clomid, doctor visits, ovulation predictors & pregnancy tests into the mix will only cause one thing that is a no no is trying to conceive...Stress. I'm not exactly happy about waiting, but I conceded.
Now with all this greatness going on, my body has decided to show it's butt so to speak since August. My life in a way has been put on pause with my back acting up. I have had back issues for the last 12 years. I can go months without any problems, then I can be out of commission for weeks. Sometimes it can just be for a day. I honestly never know what to expect between my back or now neck. I was told over a year ago what my problem more then likely was & I didn't like the news. It was again said, this past Doctor visit that I pretty much have this certain thing. He didn't want to label me, but all my symptoms point directly to it. But I refuse to even say the word. I don't like it. Well, who really likes to admit to some disease or illness? I am not a name it claim it person & I refuse to give in to it. I just don't want it to be something that defines me. It infuriates me, since I feel I am making such headway with the infertility stuff & now I have this to contend with. It's always something it seems.
I'm still loving my Jesus, but I'm not going to lie, I have times when He knows I'm not happy with the way things are going. I guess he gets the idea from the shouting matches I have had with Him. Ha! He knows that I do not understand why things are the way they are. We are cool that way, he knows my thoughts before I think them. So, I just tell him straight out my frustrations, doubts, fears... I told someone recently that He sees the bigger picture, when we only see a piece of the puzzle. And half the time that piece is turned upside down, so we can't even see the colors! And for someone who likes to know every detail, it can be beyond aggravating. Through it all I am held by his unfounded love. And in that it is the only reason I survive.

2008-09-08T19:11:00.001-05:00

I wrote this over a month ago & never posted it.

It was a year ago on July 14th, that our baby was lost. I had been dreading that one year mark. One reason was because I really thought I would be pregnant again by now, but that isn't how things worked out. Because of different circumstances, we had to stop trying for now. I did happen to get pregnant last year, while not on any fertility drugs & when we weren't even trying. Why in the world did I expect to get pregnant on my own, if I never have in 8 years? Throughout this year, I did put on some extra weight. It's amazing how I find so much comfort in food. And it does fill that void for me of not having a child. I went back to my Doctor & he put me on some meds, to help me with my weight. I was on it last year, when I happen to get pregnant & was worried it may have played a role in the miscarriage, so my Dr, said if he put me back on it, I had to promise to use some kind of birth control. It's very difficult for me, to be preventing a possible pregnancy. I would in no way want to put a baby in danger or anything. It's just the idea of I'm wasting each month, that I'm not able to "try." I'm going to be 32 in December & no matter how many people say, "You are still young." The reality is that my female organs are not spring chickens any longer & each month that passes is one less month that I have a chance to conceive. I feel just as water runs through my fingers when I turn on the faucet, time is slipping by as well. I can't contain it. It's down the drain. This year has gone by so quickly & there have been so many changes all around me, but yet I'm still in the same place. Life goes on & I remain stuck. Everyone is having babies & their babies are celebrating birthdays, hitting all their special milestones. While I am still watching from the outside. Not yet apart of the Mommy Club. It amazes me how those that have suffered the pain of infertility, so soon forget those that are still in the struggle, once they are holding their baby. It feels almost as if they won the prize & leave the others in the dust. I'm not saying "Woe is me" it's just how it honestly feels.

I was at that the store the other day, & saw a group of young teens walking in. There were several guys & 1 girl, she turned & there prominently displayed was her pregnant belly. At the mall, I saw countless teen couples pushing strollers. I watch the news & yet another person has murdered, abused or abandoned a child. Each time I see or hear about any of this, I feel another piece of my heart chip away.

I am just having a hard time right now. It's never & I mean NEVER far from my mind & heart, but there are times, I can hide it better that others. Now, I'm not hiding it well. There are days I'm just going through the motions. I feel like a lump of emotions. I'm not liking myself too much either. I'm just in a bad mood alot lately. I feel mean, angry & negative. I hate being like this. I know it's just what I'm walking through at the moment. As I look back over this journey, there have always been seasons where it has all been more overwhelming than others. And if I hear one more person say that I shouldn't think about it, I will seriously slap them. It always amazes me that the people that say that, have children. And do not know this longing. This pain. This emptiness. So, it is very easy for them to say, "Don't think about it."

2008-06-11T03:42:00.000-05:00

Life in the world is going on as usual, but life inside of my mind is a constant battle. The thoughts of a baby are always "right there." And every single thing seems to just be even more of a reminder that I'm still not holding a child of my own.

2008-03-16T23:45:00.000-05:00

If my pregnancy had gone to full term, today, March 16th, would have been my due date.

2008-02-11T22:03:00.000-06:00

In the last 2 weeks I have had 3 different scriptures given to me, by different women. Here they are.....

The first one was....
He settles the barren woman in her home,as a happy mother of children.Praise the LORD.
Psalms 113:9

The second one I was prayed over & given this scripture to pray over myself.

If you fully obey the LORD your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations on earth. 2 All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the LORD your God:

3 You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country.

4 The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock—the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks.

5 Your basket and your kneading trough will be blessed.

6 You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out.

7 The LORD will grant that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you. They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven.

8 The LORD will send a blessing on your barns and on everything you put your hand to. The LORD your God will bless you in the land he is giving you.

9 The LORD will establish you as his holy people, as he promised you on oath, if you keep the commands of the LORD your God and walk in his ways. 10 Then all the peoples on earth will see that you are called by the name of the LORD, and they will fear you. 11 The LORD will grant you abundant prosperity—in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground—in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you.

12 The LORD will open the heavens, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season and to bless all the work of your hands. You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none. 13 The LORD will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom. 14 Do not turn aside from any of the commands I give you today, to the right or to the left, following other gods and serving them.
Deut. 28:1-14

The third one, I was told to stop praying for a God to give me a baby, but to pray for my children & thank the Lord for them. And to worship Him.

Worship the LORD your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, 26 and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span.
Exodus 23:25-26

2008-01-08T10:24:00.000-06:00

Today we got some more very good news. D went for testing & according to the Doc, he is textbook normal! God is working in our bodies, let me tell you. All my levels came back incredibly well & I have a mild case of PCOS, not a horrific diagnoses that I was told before. The last time D was tested, his results were very discouraging. Even though, this past month we didn't get pregnant, like we thought we would, just knowing that our bodies are working properly now, is just proof that the Lord's hand is involved. And that prayer works! I give Him all the praise. He has placed a Godly Doc in our lives. One that encourages prayer & even took the time to pray over us today. Thank you my sweet Jesus, for directing our path.

2007-12-18T22:58:00.000-06:00

Things are progressing along, even better than expected. My body seems to be actually cooperating, this time around. I'm going to ovulate this cycle!!!!I know it's from the prayer. If you are reading this please take the time to pray over us. It means so much.

2007-12-10T17:38:00.000-06:00

Cry Me A River.....

Lord have mercy.....I have cried everyday for the last x-amount of days. And not a few tears, it's been a bathtub full. I honestly have zero control of it either.
I was at a friends house the other day, helping her set up her baby girls room. We were going through all the adorable clothes (I love to look at baby things). I was fine & then all of a sudden, I started saying, "Oh no! Oh No!" And the tears came in full force. No real warning, no way to make them stop. She was awesome & hugged me while I released the water works.
I cried for a long time Saturday night, to the point of exhaustion. I ended up staying home from church on Sunday & sleeping in. I have also stepped down from the worship team for awhile. I'm not in a place to commit to anything right now. The idea of being obligated to anything sends me into worry. And worry is the last thing I need. I'm trying to eliminate any stress. I don't know how women do this while working a full time job.
There is a wall of tears behind my eyes at all times. Tonight, I went over to Mom's to wrap a few presents. Mom said, "I'm probably not going to make you a carrot cake for your birthday, because you make them better." The tears started pouring. Mom said, "Are you crying because of the carrot cake? What about a store bought one? Maybe strawberry?" I told her I have no control of my emotions, right now. Maybe it's not this bad for all women going through the same thing. Maybe it's because I'm an emotional person to begin with. I don't know, but it's awful. I'm so scared it's not going to work this time. I guess the reality of my miscarriage is much more prevalent now. The idea of going through that again, makes me sick. I have an incredibly supportive husband. What a blessing he is. God truly knew what He was doing putting D in my life, as my love. I couldn't do this with someone, with even an ounce less of understanding.

2007-12-06T23:00:00.000-06:00

Here I am in the first month of the new round of Clomid. It's the highest dose I've ever taken. I'm praying, praying, praying.

I've been extra emotional lately. And it hits at very weird times, with absolutely no warning. I have actually written a few blog posts in the heat of some of the breakdowns. But I haven't been able to bring myself to post them. I guess I'm a bit more guarded right now.

2007-11-15T23:30:00.000-06:00

I may have a heart full of hope, but that doesn't mean I don't have times of sadness. This week I have heard of several pregnancy announcements & it really affected me. It always does, no matter, when I hear of another baby about to come into this world. It's just that when it seems to be one after the other, it hurts. I am excited for these blessed people & my pain does not in any way take away my joy for them. It's my pain. Yesterday was especially rough & a baby brake down took place. I prayed & cried out to the Lord.

Today, I got a call from my doctor with all the results from my blood work that I had done. Let me just say this....Prayer works people!!!! I have a mild form of PCOS!!!! Not what it used to be! God is healing me. I can not even begin to tell you how joyous it feels to have the Lord work inside of you. And for it to show up in medical records. Wow....I'm speechless.

Also, I got the greenlight for Clomid. :)

2007-11-01T10:44:00.000-05:00

After months of having to reschedule the appointment with the new Dr, I was able to go this past Monday. It was a great visit.

The scripture, Jeremiah 29:11, that has followed me all my life was there once again. Before I was called back, I went to the bathroom & as I was walking back into the waiting room, there on the wall was, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." It made my heart feel at peace. Thank you sweet Jesus.

One thing that was a bit frustrating is that, Doc S, said that according to my old records from my last doc, I was ovulating. The old Doc told me that I wasn't & there wasn't anything more that he could do for me. It was earth shattering for me. So, a year later, I find this out. Makes me wonder if that old doc had stayed with me, if we would have a healthy baby now. But the good news is....THERE IS HOPE!!! I ovulated! Well, I know that I apparently do since I did get pregnant in the Summer. But to have a Doc confirm it, makes me just feel better.

I had a v-ultrasound done & I got to see my female organs on the screen. It was so cool! Doc S, explained everything to me. I also saw the cysts on my ovaries. But he said he doesn't like to call them that, to call the follicles. One ovary had larger ones than the other. Anyway, it was just plain neat.

So, as long as all my tests come back positive, I should be starting Clomid again. I'm looking forward to it, because of the gift that Clomid can offer. But I'm also nervous about the whole roller coaster ride of emotions, that come along with it.

2007-10-24T17:45:00.000-05:00

I absolutely adore watching this family. They are such an inspiration to me. Especially their faith & the fact that Kate has PCOS. Look how the Lord richly blessed them. If you don't know who they are...Well....I'll tell you, they are Jon & Kate Gosslin. Their show Jon & Kate plus 8, airs on TLC.
You can go------->HERE to read their story.

2007-09-03T00:10:00.000-05:00

I've officially been off of my anti-depressant for close to 2 weeks now. And the last few days I can really tell, I no longer have any kind of emotional blocker in me. I'm back to my weepy old self. Plus I'm mean again. Hahaha! I just feel mean. I told D tonight, that I was weepy again & then I added, "And I'm mean." He said, "Did you say mean?" I shook my head yes. He said, "Uh-huh....Mean." I just had to laugh, because I honestly don't want to be. Poor D, thankfully he loves me & understands. God blessed me with a good one.

I decided to come off the anti-depressant, to get my body in preparation to "try" again. It was my choice, but I told my Dr, that I'm probably not emotionally ready to come off of them, but I just feel like it's best that I do. I'm also off Prilosec, which is my life saver. The first week was literally hell! But I'm learning to eat smaller meals, not to lay down right after I eat & no more late night eating.

I have a Dr appointment, for my new Gyno, that specializes in PCOS soon. I had to reschedule last month, since Aunt Flo decided to over stay her welcome. Hopefully, she'll take longer to get here for her next trip.

2007-08-21T03:51:00.000-05:00

Please watch this. And really listen to the words.

2007-08-20T14:37:00.000-05:00

This is going to be one long post....

The weeks since the miscarriage, have bonded Daniel & I in a precious way. Of course we are close & he truly is my #1 best friend, but this has been such a deeper, intimate bond.
At first Daniel, wasn't sure how to respond, but I told him I needed him in a way that I have never needed him before. I am a firm believer in telling my husband what I feel, when I feel it, that way I don't hold on to bitterness. Or "try" to make him figure out the complex emotions of this here female. Sometimes, it's just easier, to tell him what I need versus, getting upset, because he isn't reading the signs correctly.

While researching miscarriages, I came across, the idea of naming the child that was lost. It helps with the healing process. According to what I read, most Fathers don't want anything to do with the naming the baby. And most Mom's end up naming the baby in secret & just keeping the name close to her heart. I wasn't sure if I wanted to name the baby, so I never mentioned it to Daniel. I do have a few friends that miscarried that named their babies & encouraged naming the baby, but I still didn't know if I wanted to or not.

Daniel & I went out on a "date" for the first time, since before he injured his back. And while out, I found a baby outfit, that I had wanted for a long time. It was on clearance, so we bought it, along with the blanket that matches. After we left, we were talking about everything & Daniel, asked me if I wanted to name the baby. It sorta threw me for a second that he had been thinking about it, without me ever saying anything. So, we decided that we would sit down together & name our first baby. We wanted to use a gender neutral name, since we don't know if the baby was a boy or girl, plus neither of us were leaning in either direction.

Here is our little one's name....

Erynn Riley

Daniel's middle name is Aaron, so we decided to use that, but spell it differently. Daniel is also Irish & I have a bit of Irish blood. The meanings & scriptures could not have been more perfect & they are partly how we chose the name. I'm big on what names mean. That's very important to me. I couldn't just name the baby anything, it had to have the perfect meaning.

Erynn~
Language/Cultural Origin: Irish
Inherent Meaning: Bringer of Peace
Spiritual Connotation: A Generous Gift
Scripture: Psalms 121:8 nkjv

The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in from this time forth, and even forevermore.

Riley~
Language/Cultural Origin: Irish
Inherent Meaning: Valiant
Spiritual Connotation: Protected
Scripture: Psalms 36:7 nasb

How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! And the children of men take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

After we named the baby, it made it all so real to me. My child isn't an "it", a fetus (according to the world), or a membrane...It's my baby Erynn Riley. My baby that is in Heaven right now, living, breathing, laughing & feeling no pain or sorrow. I've heard other's say that once they have a child in Heaven, it makes the idea of Heaven that much sweeter. I now have to agree.

Something else that is totally a God thing is, I had a blogger friend e-mail me, saying she felt that I should go back & ask those that prayed over me back in May to pray again. I was thankful for her advice, but I'm just not one to ask others for prayer, not like that kind anyway, where I would have to set up a time to be prayed for. I guess it's pride or something, I'm not sure. But the thought would not leave my mind. While at a library a week later, that we don't go to as often, I heard someone come up from behind me say my name, I turned & to my surprise it was the lady that had gotten everyone together back in May to pray. I never see her in public either. The first thing she said was that, I had been on her mind alot, I told her for good reason. After telling her what had happened, she said that I needed to come for prayer on Sunday night. I told her we would try.
Well, I am a great excuse maker in my mind, I usually end up going to things but the process of thoughts prior to the occasion, is normally daunting. So for the rest of the week, I kept battling in my head, whether to go or not. I should know by now, that if I'm creating such a stir, it normally means God's got some plans for me. But I continued on my little mellow drama, up until it was time to get ready to go. Daniel had asked me Sunday morning of we were going & I told him we would see. We took a Sunday afternoon nap & I set the alarm, to wake us up in time to get ready. The alarm went off & I hit the off button, the excuses began flooding my mind immediately. I decided to fall back to sleep. That's a great excuse, falling to sleep after the alarm goes off. Just as I was snoozing a Hickory nut from the tree in front of my house, fell right on top of the roof over my bed. It was a loud bang! I jumped up & said, "OK LORD! I'm up!" *snicker*

We went to church (we don't have Sunday night service at our church) & it was such an incredible service. Afterwards, we got together with the ones that prayed for me before, but this time Daniel got prayed for also. Not only did we pray, but some generational curses were broken....PRAISE THE LORD! Again there are no words to describe what it all felt like.
They told me to start speaking life into my children. I shared with them that I have bought some baby clothes & one lady said, "Girl, you've got some faith!" I never thought of it that way. But the Lord is good &amp; I know that I am going to get pregnant & it will be a healthy pregnancy. I will carry that baby to term & give birth to a healthy perfect child. No doctor has ever told me that I can't have children....Only Satan has fed me those lies & he has been defeated! I have the Lord's promise & He is one that never breaks His promises.

I do want to take a minute & say this...Every woman deals with infertility & miscarriage in completely different ways. Our stories are just as unique as we are. I'm sure that there are some, that think I'm probably loony or a bit over dramatic in all of this, but for me this is how I heal. I named my baby because it's what I felt was right. Also, for my husband to want to be apart of it, meant the world to me. It was his idea & there was no way I was going to deny that of him.
As far as buying baby things, I have tried to have a baby for over 6 years now & I have never bought one thing that had to do with a baby. Not long after Daniel & I were married Mom bought me a little outfit, but that was before we knew we weren't going to have an easy road to parenthood. I put that little outfit as far away from me as possible, in a bin of old clothes, in the closet. I just couldn't bare to see it. A few weeks before I suspected I was pregnant, Mom told me she had dreamed about my baby & she felt that the Lord told her, that I should start preparing for a baby. If I see a baby item I like, then buy it. The week I miscarried (know one but me knew it was happening), Mom bought me another outfit. I now have a box with some outfits & things in it. Having those little clothes, helps me. They are a comfort. And also a claim that I will have a baby soon to wear them! Praise You Jesus.

2007-07-25T14:34:00.000-05:00

The last few weeks have been surreal. It's hard for me to grasp the fact that I was pregnant, let alone that I was pregnant & lost it. I'm sad, but I also have a peace. I'm heartbroken, but know there's more. I know people mean well, when they say, "At least you got pregnant." But that really doesn't help me any. I can understand where they are coming from though. They see it as a glimmer of hope. I did get pregnant for the first time in all these years. But the thing that is very difficult for me to understand, is if I got pregnant, why couldn't it have been a healthy pregnancy?

It's really beginning to hit me, I've been pretty weepy that last few days. I'll think I'm fine & then the water works start to flow. We went to the drive-in the other night & there was a baby in the car next to us, any time she cried, it felt like my heart was being ripped out. And I would have to hold back the tears. Yesterday, was a really bad day.

I've been dreaming alot about my baby or babies. One was I had brought home our baby girl & she was such a surprise, that we didn't have enough blankets for her. So, I was wrapping her in towels & huge blankets. And I wouldn't let her out of my sight. This was the first time, I've dreamed about my baby, where I actually saw her face.

The next dream, I was in labor (first time for that kinda of dream too). I gave birth to a baby girl & to all of our shock & amazement, out popped a baby boy too. (I saw their precious faces as well). I could feel the labor pains in my sleep. We didn't have a name for the girl, but we had a first name for the boy. It was actually the name I found not long ago, that I think we will use, when the time comes.
With both dreams, I didn't want to wake up & was sad when I did.

I bought myself this Willow Tree ~ Angel of Hope about a month or so ago. I had been wanting it, but little did I know just how much I would need to see this little daily reminder. I have also fallen in love with these things & she was the first in what I "hope" to be a new collection.

I also want to thank you each & everyone of you that has taken the time to send me e-mails, e-cards, called or did special things for me. I'm sorry, if I have yet, to return those e-mails & phone calls, but I hopefully will soon. Just give me a bit more time. Knowing you are there & care enough to let me know you are there...I can't express how it warms my heart. Anyone can check my blog & read the sob story, I have to share. But not just anyone has the compassion to let me know that they read it. Just a simple "I'm sorry", means more than silence.

2007-07-16T16:32:00.000-05:00

This is not an easy post.
After 7 years of love & marriage. About 6 years of trying to start a family. I finally conceived without the help of Doctors or medicine. But our little one was lost at 4 weeks.
I'm not sure how to feel right now. The words to this song, have been a comfort though.

Your call comes like the morning breeze
You spread Your wings and cover me
Underneath Your shadow, I will hide away
There I've found Your shelter, and there I'd like to stay

Refuge
You're my refuge
When the world is shaken and nothing stands
I will hold on to Your hand
Refuge

~Song by Darrell Evans

My heart hurts, I do know that much.

2007-07-04T02:14:00.000-05:00

I didn't realize it's been about 2 months since I posted anything on here. I have been pretty busy though taking care of D, with his back injury, surgery & recovery.

Something else I have been busy with is the way I have been praying. There has been a huge change in my heart & the way I view things. About a month ago, some incredible prayer warriors, prayed over me. It was not something I was seeking out. It just kind of happened. That evening long before, the prayer took place, I felt the presence of the Lord around me & a burning in the pit of my stomach. Before they prayed they asked me if I truly believed that I could get pregnant, because they have prayed this prayer over others & it worked. So, if I wasn't ready for a baby, I shouldn't be prayed over. Hahaha. Something took place inside of me. Something that I can not explain. Something supernatural. And for the first time, since we began this journey years ago, I truly, truly believe that I WILL GET PREGNANT~ GIVE BIRTH TO A HEALTHY, PERFECT CHILD & BE A MOM. I have a hope, that I have never had before. A peace that really does transcend all understanding. He does give us the desires of our heart.

2007-05-08T21:50:00.000-05:00

At church Sunday, there was a baby dedication. The "baby breakdowns" can come, with no warning. And it did just that. Thankfully I didn't sing during worship or I would have been on the stage, when the tears began to pour. I was in the balcony & ended up going out, to have a good cry.
I hate it to be this way, and no matter what I try, those feelings won't go away. It's so deep down, it's my hearts cry. How can I change that? It's part of me.
Whenever I hear a baby cry, a child's laughter, there is the burning that takes place inside of me. It's difficult to explain. I guess it's just such a strong desire.
I've gotten to where, I almost dread opening a blog, because there's a never ending supply of people announcing pregnancies, babies being born, the trails, tribulations & joys of motherhood. I'm not apart of that club & it kills me inside. There's a smile on my face, but pain in my heart.

2007-04-27T16:33:00.000-05:00

The last month or so has brought me to a place of deep thought. It all started when I saw someone, treat their child in manner that utterly shocked & upset me. It left me confused, to why they would do such a thing. When someone has been given such a precious gift. A child & not only a child, but a completely perfect one. But all they can see is the negative aspect (in their eyes) of parenthood. What I wouldn't give to have a child to call me own, even one that isn't physically or mentally perfect according to the world. This life is to hard to understand.
I was already dealing with those emotions, to find out yet another person is going to be a Mom. I asked if they were "trying," to where they answered, "We weren't trying not to." What is that like? To where becoming a Mom is so easy? Then I overheard another friend, say they were going to start "trying" in the Fall. Hhhmm...What's that like? To be able to choose when you become a Mom?
As I type I realize that Mother's day is coming up in a few weeks. Oh how I despise that day. Just what I need, an all day reminder, of what I'm not.

2007-04-04T11:46:00.000-05:00

I'm back to trying to loose weight. I'm not going to be putting up a ticker this time though. I found a new Dr, that is pretty awesome & is helping me with my weight lose. Something that I truly need. For someone who has struggled with weight their entire life, sometimes you just have to ask for help. So, that's what I've done. This is not for vanity, but to just be healthier. I did find out that some of my cholesterol levels are up a bit. That's never happened before, so I need to be concerned about that. Also I found out that I have an under active thyroid. That combined with the lovely PCOS...Keeping the weight off with just be an extra struggle.

Things are the baby front, are well....pretty stagnant. No trying or anything. And no plans too in the near future. My thoughts are not consumed with it, but it does cross my mind at least once a day. A few weeks ago, I helped my Sis-n-law with her children's class. They were ages 2-5. And just sitting there watching these precious little ones, got me choked up. I almost had to leave the room, because the tears were about to spill over. But I took a deep breath & got it under control, before anyone noticed. I just can't be in those classes. It just way to hard & I'm never sure about my emotions.

I still don't know what the future holds, but I am positive of Who holds it. I'm resting in that.

2007-03-24T16:27:00.000-05:00

Aunt Flo finally has come to visit. I was beginning to think that I had offended her & she decided to never return. But now I realize she was just waiting until the shelves were stocked with Easter candy. Because that's all I'm wanting to eat chocolate, chocolate & more chocolate. I feel a bit miserable, to be quite honest. Blah!

2007-03-10T08:39:00.000-06:00

My Pastor sent me this podcast from a church in Washington. They do a service each year called "Presentation Sunday." It's where they pray for couples to be able to have children. During the service, they have testimonies from people who now have children, that suffered from infertility. It's extremely encouraging.
Go--------->HERE. And the click "Presentation Sunday 2007."

2007-03-05T19:55:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine sent me a batch of books dealing with the issue of infertility. I've only opened one so far & was super excited to see it in the box, because it was one that I had wanted to read for a while now.

It's called Hannah's Hope. It's written by a woman, who knows the struggles of infertility first hand. I've only read a few chapters so far. I taking my time & absorbing all I can from it. Hannah is the Hannah from the Bible. It's written at times as if we are seeing this challenge through her eyes. It's been amazing so far. It's helping me more than I dreamed it would. It nice to know that other Christian women have the same fears, doubts, questions & heart ache, just like my own. Also this book isn't just for the women who are struggling with infertility, it's also for those that have loved ones that are dealing with it. It helps you to see from their prospective what life is like for them. I'll keep you updated on what all I learn.

2007-02-19T00:59:00.000-06:00

Stupid PCOS!!! Aunt Flo hasn't visited in 100 days! 100! And I feel bloated & I'm about to eat us out of house & home. You know that 1 day a month, where you can't find anything that satisfies your cravings? And the day that Chocolate is you BFF? Well, I've been like that for weeks. I've had a constant migraine for about 2 weeks. And I've gained some of the weight back, because I've been drinking coke & eating chocolate like it's going out of style. The thing is, those 2 things help ease my migraines & I crave them. BLAH! I took a pg test, just to be on the safe side. NEGATIVE. I sleep all the time from my anti-depressant. If I get still & warm, my eye lids get heavy. I have never been a nap taker, but it's my favorite past time now. And when I nap, I take no prisoners. I mean business. No, cat naps for me. I think the shortest nap I've taken is 2 hours. The other day, I had a 6 hour nap. I was dead to the world. I didn't hear a thing. Even D coming home. As most know, that's a huge event around here, since 3 furbabies have to sing their "Dad's is home" song. I'm still food journaling with my friend daily, but now I think it's just habit & we feel lost if we miss a day of communication. And exercise...What's that? I want to get back on track...But there is no motivation right now. Nada.

On a side note...I know there are alot of people that read Baby Hopes & most I don't even know who you are. Please e-mail me. I would love to hear from you.

2007-02-15T23:51:00.000-06:00

I've been getting a bit frustrated lately. I was sitting in the waiting room at the Dr & there were 2 women there & they had 3 little boys under the age of 3. These kids were wild. They were were on top of the tables & running & yelling. But the thing that struck me was when the oldest boy said that someone needed to kick the other one's a**. I literally gasped & sat there with my mouth hanging open. I thought that the little boy would get into trouble, but the women acted like it was nothing unusual.

The other day, while out shopping, there was a man with 2 kids probably around the same ages as in the other story. It was freezing outside & the little girl had on shorts, t-shirt & flip-flops. The kids were running wild & were getting out of the Dad's sight. And not just out of sight, like isles away. Anything could have happened. That just bothers me so badly. When parents are so careless.

When I see that kind of stuff, it always makes me ask God, why they are able to get pregnant, give birth to beautiful healthy babies & then not raise them like they should be? There are so many women out in this world that would seriously give their right arm, to have a healthy pregnancy & baby. Women who would devote their all to their children. Their babies would not be an after thought, a status symbol, or just another trophy under their belt. Sometimes, I want to stop people & tell them to appreciate what they have. Embrace every moment, even the tiresome, burden filled, stressful, aggravating, need a break ones. Because you could be in my shoes...Longing for just those times.

2007-01-30T15:34:00.000-06:00

It's been awhile, since I stopped by here & deposited some thoughts. I guess the reason, I've stayed away, is because I don't really know what my thoughts are right now. Alot, but nothing at all, if that makes any sense? I'll be back, when I've done some organizing in my mind & heart.

2006-12-02T01:18:00.000-06:00

I've got to get back on track with the weight lose thing. I've lost 25 pounds to date, but Thanksgiving has kicked my butt! I've let my guard down way too much.

I think my body has gotten used to the anti-depressants. I had my first baby breakdown, since I've been on them. I seem to think of putting up my Christmas tree as a marker for each year. As I pull out the ornaments I reflect over the year & think of the year to come. Last year, I just knew that when I would put my tree up in 2006, I would either already be a Mom or be pregnant. That I would be adding a "Baby's first Christmas" or a "Mommy to be" ornament to the tree. The emotions hit me pretty hard & I would catch myself just starring at the tree crying. When D came home from work, I told him about it & I lost it again. It was the first time I've had a good cry in months, so it was a nice release.
And then the other day, I was holding a friends baby & just out of the blue my eyes filled up with big crocodile tears & I had to fight to keep them at bay.
I'll be 30 in less than 11 days, so my dream of being a Mom before then has truly dissolved right before my eyes.

2006-10-31T14:47:00.000-06:00

I haven't talked about the baby stuff in awhile, so I guess I should share some of my thoughts on the subject. Right now baby making is completely on hold. And I have no clue when we may begin that again. Since I've been on the antidepressant, my thoughts never venture to the sad places, which is so refreshing. It feels there is an actual wall in my brain that doesn't allow me to "go there", I can still hear the whispers on the other side of it, but never loud enough to affect me. I still long for a child more then you can imagine. But it isn't consuming me anymore. I still wonder why, I'm not a Mom. Why some have so many & I have none. Why people are blessed with children & then mistreat, abandon & kill them daily, yet I'm still here with empty arms. It's all a mystery to me, as are alot of things in this life. I do look at my life & know that God's grace is sufficient. When "I" was planning the course of my life, I had planned that I would be a mom of several children by the time I turned 30. I never imagined that it wouldn't be that way. It was inconceivable to me....Yep very "unconceivable." It's it ironic? But as we all know the Good Lord has plans for us that will meet our expectations & more, when the time is right.

2006-10-14T17:56:00.000-05:00

***UPDATE***

I can now wear some of my jeans that I haven't worn in 4 yrs!!! I now realize I have lost weight. There is nothing more gratifying than pulling on a pair of jeans you haven't been able to wear in a long time!

2006-10-14T14:42:00.000-05:00

I'm in utter shock right this minute. I weighed myself for the first time in about 2 weeks & I have now lost a total of 24 pounds!!! I can't believe that I not only have reached the first goal I set for myself, but surpassed it before I realized. My new goal is another 20 pounds. Once I reach that, it will make my weight lose 40 pounds total. I really can't tell that I've lost that much weight just yet. My clothes DO fit better & I've been told that others can tell. All I know is that the scale doesn't lie! YAY! For me!

2006-10-09T22:27:00.000-05:00

Let's see, I've lost a total of 18 pounds so far. I really know it could be more if I were being more active, but I haven't really been able to be in weeks. And it's driving my nuts! I have had a few moments of weakness in the food department, like the entire thing of Pringles & the hot apple pie with vanilla ice cream (I just can't turn that down). But I am proud of myself, for not making food my safe place, during this challenging time. Sometimes I think I chose the wrong time to make a change in the way I eat. Since food has always been my go to friend. But I'm learning so much, by not running to the fridge.

I'm now on anti-depressants & feeling so much better emotionally. I'm shocked at how well. Those are some magic pills I tell ya. The down side is the nausea...Yuck! I'm nauseous right now.

2006-09-20T12:34:00.000-05:00

I've been so frustrated lately with exercise, not because I don't want to do it. But because I haven't been able too! For one week, I was sick & in bed. The second week, I still had a bad cough & couldn't get hot, or I would have a coughing fit (And I still have a bit of that). Then the 3rd week, I hurt my back so bad that I couldn't do anything much less exercise (that's where I am now). I refused to weigh myself, for fear of maybe gaining since I haven't been able to be active. I weighed this morning & I've lost 4 pounds in the last week!!! That's a grand total of 16 pounds!!!!

2006-09-13T15:21:00.000-05:00

**UPDATE**

I must be out of my mind!!! I haven't been eating healthy for 1 whole month! It's only been since August 21st. Heaven help me.

2006-09-13T14:36:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been 1 whole month that I've been eating healthier!!! BRAVO to me, because this is the first time I have ever eaten healthy for this amount of time!!! I'm quite proud, if I do say so myself. I haven't had a Coca~Cola in over 3 weeks!!! I was sick & water just tasted super nasty, so I opted to get Sprite Zero. That shocked me because if I'm ever sick I immediately throw eating healthy out the window & use the excuse that I'm sick to eat whatever I want too.
I have lost 12 pounds to date. I think it could have been a bit more, if I would have been able to exercise the last 2 weeks. But if I get hot I have a coughing fit. But 12 pounds in a months time isn't so bad. I do hope to go walking today. The weather is starting to get really nice around here.

On to the baby front....
I was supposed to go to a new Dr tomorrow, but after much thought & talks with Daniel, we decided that it's best that I cancel the appointment for now. I will go to the new Dr at a later time, but for now I really want to focus on loosing weight. Once I reach a certain goal that I have set in my mind, I will reevaluate the whole 'Trying' thing. Believe I would love to be pregnant ASAP, but I need to be wise.

I'm also at such an emotional breaking point that the thought of going through another cycle of Clomid or whatever, just terrifies me. I can't even go there right now.

I'm dealing with alot on an emotional level. Depression seems to consume me at times. In the back of my mind, I feel I should probably go on an anti-depressant, but I'm not ready to do that yet. What I'm waiting for, I have no clue. But that's such a big step. If things don't change in a few weeks, I'll go see my general practitioner & she what she has to say.

I wrote this in my journal the other night & then posted it on Pink Lucy.

I'm at a stand still
I am rooted in one place
Life is rushing by at such a fast pace
Every road is a dead end
Every turn brings me back around
The cloud doesn't just follow
It consumes
Where is my joy?
It was lost with the dreams of my childhood
But that's not all
It's more now
Fault is everywhere in my eyes
The pain too great to face
I'm alone
Those that stood next to me
Hopes have been filled
No child in my arms
Not good enough for invitations
My head is full of questions...No answers
My heart is full of love...No place to share it
My arms ache...Nothing to ease it
It's not the right time, I hear
But why for them & not me?
Would I have chosen this path if I had known?
Would things be different?
Where is that strong girl of yesterday?
The one so carefree
With fearless as her middle name
I think she's a runaway
On the streets I used to walk
I hope I find her again.

2006-08-29T21:18:00.000-05:00

Today I went to get my medical records, so that I have them to take to my new Dr, in Sept. I haven't ever done this before, but my new Dr is requiring them. I was anxious to actually see what my records would look like. But I wasn't prepared to get a bit mad about it.

Ya see when I got the call saying that I wasn't ovulating & that I needed to see fertility specialist, the nurse was very cold. Now I loved that Dr, but the staff there was never overly friendly & if you know me, you know I am. I don't meet a stranger & will carry on a conversation with anyone.

Most of the time when the nurse called to tell me something the Dr would follow it up with a call of his own. Which was always very nice. But that last time he didn't. This is how the conversation went with the nurse that day:

Nurse: I was calling to tell you that you didn't ovulate again. We can't do anything else for you & Dr said you need to go see Dr "Fertitliy Specialist".

Me: What do you mean? Did I ovulate at a 9 like last month.

Nurse: No, at a 2. Here's the # for Dr. "Fertility Specialist?"

I write the # number down & she said bye.

I then proceeded to break it a million pieces...

Well, today when I was reading my records I found a note from the Dr telling the nurse what to say to me & it was much kinder.

"Let Crystal know that I think she should see Dr "Fertility Specialist", we have done about all we can realistically do & I really would like to see them pregnant."

Now that would have been a much better way to address me on this subject. It would have spoken volumes, just to know that the Dr cared that much. I know that there are alot of people that come & go out of a Dr's office on a daily bases & many phone calls that need to be returned, but you don't have to be so impersonal, especially telling a woman that kind of news.

2006-08-29T00:08:00.000-05:00

I'm lost 4 pounds this week! WOO HOO!!!

I exercised 5 days last week & got up today & did it again! That surprised me. I know that I'm going to have days where I'll have to push myself, but I'm shocked at the motivation this time around. But I'm so scared of this turning into just another diet, where I fail, yet again. But this time just feels different & I feel better about myself. I had a crappy day on Sat, a melt down actually in Home Depot & all I wanted was a Coke, so I bought one. That first sip was incredible, the whole thing was amazing. But after I finished it, I felt awful. I had gone a week without a soda & then I got weak. Don't get me wrong an occasional soda is OK, it's just I want to do well this time.

2006-08-24T15:10:00.000-05:00

I just got back from exercising....Did I really just say that?!? I have never in my life enjoyed exercising, though there was a period in time, when I was struggling with bulimia that I would exercise until I would collapse. This week I have exercised everyday!!! I had planned on only doing this 3 days a week, but I actually can't wait to get on that bike. This is very weird & new too me. D is home today, so I thought I would take the day off from exercise, but all I could think about was walking over to Mom's, to ride the bike. I'm almost afraid to be saying that out loud, for fear I will jinx the self motivation that has come over me. LOL
I think the thing that has helped is I have new reasons to drop to the weight. It's not to look good, that's an added benefit. But it's to hopefully bring me one step closer to being a Mom. While pushing through the pain, during exercise, I'm constantly reminding myself of all I have to gain from the lose of these pounds. And if I want this bad enough, I'm willing to sacrife & work as hard as I can. I'm feeling much better too. Last week when I was stuffing myself with Cokes, chocolate & junk, I felt so yucky & weighed down. Not to mention I gained 5 pounds in the last few weeks of my emotional eating rampage. I'm excited though, because I've already dropped some of those pounds this week!!! Yay!!!

2006-08-22T23:25:00.000-05:00

This first week of my new eating habits has been a challenge, things have just been hectic. So, I'm considering today, my first "official" day.

I went & worked out on Mom's bike. I did it for alot longer than I ever have, so I was proud.

I'm also writing down everything I eat, in my little notebook. Then at the end of the day, I'm e-mailing it to a friend. I did this once before & it sure helped, knowing that someone else is going to read about everything you have eaten.

Oh I can't wait to change those numbers on my ticker!!!

2006-08-18T00:28:00.000-05:00

Random things.......

Someone said the ole "if you adopt you'll get pregnant" comment today. Stupid people!

Today I ate McDonald's & then later I had a Reese Cup Blizzard.....So long....Farewell....

I got my hair done. Boy, I needed a change something fierce. Since I'm going to be making other changes in my life, I also wanted my hair to reflect that. But the main reason was, because I needed to feel better about myself.

I'm looking forward to my 'lifestyle' change on Saturday.

I went into Lane Bryant today & decided not to buy anything, since I AM going to be loosing weight!

2006-08-15T13:11:00.000-05:00

A NEW course on this journey....

After much thought, prayer & condemning myself. I have finally decided it is time to really take some action to loose weight. I guess I need to explain how I ended up in this situation.

I have always been overweight, even as a kid. I've never known what it was like to walk into the "regular" store & buy my clothes. When I was little I wore Huskey brand boys pants from Sears, for crying out loud...HAHAHA.

I am an emotional eater & as I look back over my life, I can see that I have always been that way too. I've had alot of different emotional & physical things happen to me that drove me to find comfort in food. Food has always been so important to me. I would go to bed thinking about what I was going to get to eat the next day. I knew food wouldn't let me down. It would always be there. And it's oooooohhhhhh so good!

When I was about 14, I became bulimic. I didn't know that's what I was at the time, I just knew I had discovered the joy of making myself throw-up. I was an on again, off again bulimic until I was 18. At first it was an emotional release for me. Then I realized I could eat whatever I wanted & then throw it back up & I wouldn't gain weight. As I got older I would throw up as a way to be in control of something, especially when my life may have been spinning at the time. When I hit my 20's I wasn't throwing up as often. I would go throw seasons with it. I got really scared one day, while gagging myself & I started feeling pains in my chest. That made me stop for awhile. I struggled with it until I met Daniel. I confessed to him, pretty quickly about this problem. I remember one night, I told him that I had thrown up & I had never seen him so angry, but he had tears in his eyes...I knew then I had to stop this vicious cycle. It ended there for me. Now don't get me wrong...Then bulimia demons still dance around in my mind from time to time. But really only when I'm extremely upset.

After I got married I put on tons of weight. We both enjoy food & I love to cook. I think that's a curse in it's self. If I was a bad cook, maybe I would be thinner. LOL

I found out after I was diagnosed with PCOS that you normally gain weight, because it also effects your metabolism. Any woman who has extra pounds, needs to loose to increase her chances of conception. So what do I have to loose? Pounds that is!
During this baby making road, I've often found myself feeling guilty for not loosing the weight before. But I'm normally dealing with some kind of emotion, through this, so I of course have 'needed' my food to get me through. I'm not supposed to have sugar, since I'm insulin resistant now, but all I ever want is a Coke & chocolate.

After we decided that we were going on a 'trying' break, I had to reevaluate some things. And I had a talk with myself. If I want to be a Mom as bad as I say I do, then wouldn't I loose weight? Wouldn't I do anything to give my body a chance to conceive? The answer is YES. Why haven't I done this before? Well, to be perfectly honest, I have used ever excuse I could think of. I like my food & I didn't want to give it up. But it's time to put the excuses behind me. Time to move forward.

I'm going to add my weight lose journey to my baby hopes journey, because they are so intertwined. I'm losing weight for myself, first & for most. But secondly it's hopefully going to be that one step closer to becoming a Mom.
If for some reason I'm still not able to conceive after I lose weight, then I'll be healthier. That in itself is a true reward. I'm not doing this to be skinny. I just want to lose a few sizes.

I'll be starting my "new way of life" on Saturday. I've given myself this week to eat all I want & to make myself sick of junk food....It's working too. I'm finding myself looking forward to Saturday & ridding my cabinets of the junk!
I'm also going to set goals for myself. Instead of saying, "I'm just going to loose weight." I'm going to give myself a certain amount of time to loose a certain amount of pounds.

On to other things....I found a new DR & he specializes in PCOS & the infertility that comes along with it. I have an appointment with him next month.

2006-08-07T23:27:00.000-05:00

I guess it's time that I updated.

It's been almost 2 weeks, since I found out that Clomid isn't working. Aunt Flo has come & gone. That was weird to not be taking a pill for 5 days.

D & I have decided to take a break for now. And I say for now, because this battle is NOT over. I'm having to continue to remind myself of this because I do feel defeated at times. But I do serve God that has no limits on what He can do. I just need to quit listening to my mind & just let Him work. The last few days I have been in a weird numb kinda euphoria. Not really thinking about the baby stuff. The other day I was driving alone, Mariah Carey was blaring & I was singing at the top of my lungs & dancing to the music, when I all of a sudden felt kinda free....Like I don't need kids, my life is great without them. I can be as independent as I want to be as long as I'm not a Mom. It stopped me in my tracks, because I have NEVER thought that way before. I think it was just a coping mechanism kicking in. Those things just don't go through my mind. It has all been kinda bittersweet, though. It's nice to not have to think about what day it is on the calendar. If I have to pee on a stick for 2 weeks. Take a med that makes me crazy (Crap...I can't be mean anymore & get away with it!). Have sex on a schedule. Take a pg test to only have it be a big fat negative. Go get my blood drawn & deal with Nasty Nurse...etc...etc...etc...

We aren't sure how long this break will be. It could be a few months, maybe longer. But when we do begin again, I will be going to a different DR. I said in a post before that I didn't want to go from DR to DR, just because I wasn't getting the results I want. But I have only been seeing this Dr for 7 months & he only did 1 test on me. He took my word that I have PCOS & never even tested me for it. It felt like he didn't want to take the time with me, as I thought he would in the beginning. Plus they were very impersonal. I feel strongly about this decision, after researching & talking to other women who have or are going through infertility. They all say that my DR was sending me to a specialist way too soon. I was only on Clomid for 4 months. So anyway....

Today was a rough day....It was a combo of sorts. I haven't shed any tears in a few days & today the flood gates opened up. D has been looking for a new job for almost 3 yrs now. He's a recording engineer, but works retail instead. He has been trying to get a job at a local TV station & has had 2 interviews for 2 different jobs there. He didn't get the first one & we have been waiting for a month to find out of he got the latest one. They hired someone else today...D was fine, because he really didn't think he got the job. But I again...just like last time, went into a fit of fiery. I was angry at everything & I had to tell God what I thought about it too! I just get so tired of asking, believing, hoping, trusting...And then it doesn't work. We're still in the same place as normal. While I was having my fit, God whispered, "Are you only going to praise Me in the good times?" WHOA! That made me think....I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that going through the fire only strengthens me. I know that something good is on the way. I'm only going to be a better person because of this. One thing that got me to thinking was that throughout my entire Christian walk, I've always told the Lord I'm not ready for His return yet, because I have some living to do. First it was "Lord, let me get married first." Then "Let me have some babies." Then it was "Allow me to grow old with D." But recently for the first time, I told Jesus, I can't wait for His return. Maybe that's where He wanted me to be. He wanted me to get to a place where this worldly stuff isn't as important to me anymore. In the grand scheme of things it's all nothing. This journey of infertility has not just been emotional...But spiritual. I'm learning so much. I'm wrestling with God on so many levels. I feel as low as I can go, as weak as I've ever been. But like we all know, when I am weak He is strong. The Lord is my Savior & in Him I trust. I'm not giving up, as so many of you have e-mailed me telling me not too. I'm fine...I know He's got me. Everyday is a new challenge, but who's isn't right?

So, I've been finding peace in the Lord, His word & Butter Pecan ice cream. I'm kinda rebelling right now in the food department. I'm not supposed to have sugar, so that meant no Coca~Cola. My drug of choice. I've given myself the next 2 weeks to drink, eat & be merry with all the sugar I want. And then I'm going to crack down. I think I should make the most of this break by hopefully putting my energy into dropping some pounds...HAHAHAHAHA....Well, see how well that goes. But it's what I'm shooting for. I hate it when I say I'm going to loose weight & then I don't do anything about it. I started a new way of eating almost a year ago, when Mom had her gastric bypass. I lost about 15 pounds, went on a trip & threw eating healthy out the window. If I had stuck with it, I wonder how much I would have lost? I can't change the past, I can only move forward & pray for self control.

That's where I am now...

2006-07-30T15:41:00.000-05:00

Thank you to everyone that took the time & sent me e-mails. You have all had incredible things to say to me. I greatly value each & every word. Sorry, I haven't responded to any of them yet. Just give me a little more time & you'll get a response this week.
And again thank you....What a gift from God you all have been to me.

2006-07-27T00:16:00.000-05:00

We aren't sure what we are going to do now. D says he's numb to it all too. I feel so helpless now...Not that I haven't before, but Clomid seemed to be my infertility magic pill. But since it didn't work for me, where does that leave me? I feel really helpless now, because if I had $, I could more than likely get pg, by going to a specialist. Or I could adopt. But with no $, I'm a childless woman, while everyone else can just have sex & out pops a baby 9 months later. It's so infuriating. I don't think we will be going to the specialist any time soon. Why go, when you won't be able to afford anything he suggests? One thing that hurts is everything is apparently OK with me, so why no baby? What sick joke is being played on me? Is this the end of the road? Will I never know the joy of giving birth to a child that was created out of the love D & I share. A baby with his dimples & my hair. My little family that lives in my mind is fading.

2006-07-26T22:30:00.000-05:00

Numb.
Crushed.
Confused.
Hurt.
I want to cry.
I want to hit something.
I'm praying.
I'm doubting.
I'm believing.
I want to scream.
I want all of this to go away.
I don't want to think about it anymore.
It's consuming my thoughts.
My body is drained.
My mind is drained.
My emotions are drained.
This is me now.

2006-07-26T10:59:00.000-05:00

My Dr. called today with my progestorone results....I didn't ovulate at ALL. NOT even a 9 like last month. It was only a 2.5 this time. He told me that there is absolutely nothing else he can do for me & gave me the # to a fertility specialist.
Am I heartbroken? Yes. Devastated to be exact. I think it would be a good idea to go talk to the specialist, but we aren't going to be able to do any new procedures at this time. As of right now, I feel my dream has officially slip away from me. I don't know where we go from here....

2006-07-22T21:55:00.000-05:00

The Lord is really trying to hammer something into my brain & heart.

Thursday night, I spent sometime pouring my heart into my journal, my frustrations & such.
Well, Friday afternoon a good friend of mine called me & said she had been having her devotion time & she read something that she felt God say that was for me. She read the scripture over the phone & I of course cried. The Lord ALWAYS does that too me. D got home, around that same time, so I got off the phone & went to tell D what my friend had shared with me. I found the scripture online & I could barely read it, as became choked up at just how much the Lord loves me. Here's the scripture:

Habakkuk 3:17-19 (The Message)

Though the cherry trees don't blossom
and the strawberries don't ripen,
Though the apples are worm-eaten
and the wheat fields stunted,
Though the sheep pens are sheepless
and the cattle barns empty,
I'm singing joyful praise to God.
I'm turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God.
Counting on God's Rule to prevail,
I take heart and gain strength.
I run like a deer.
I feel like I'm king of the mountain!

To me this means I just need to continue to praise Him. He knows, my heart. And something good is going to happen.

So, after I read that scripture to D, I walked into the kitchen & there on the table was a card from another good friend. I just LOVE getting cards, especially from this person. I immediately ripped open the envelope. As I opened it I thought, "I hope she put on of those little scripture cards in there." She has sent me a few others & they always seem to come at the right time I need it. I have them taped to my computer. Well, sure enough there was another little card! I let out a little shout of joy & D came to see what it was about. I tried to read it to him through the tears. And this is what it said:

Let Go & Let God

As children bring their broken toys,
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
Because He is my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help,
With my ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back again
And cried, "How can you be so slow?"
"My child" He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go."

All I could do was stand there & cry. How overwhelmingly wonderful it is to call Him my God. My father. My Savior. My healer. My comforter. My rescuer. My first love. My everything.

2006-07-20T13:57:00.000-05:00

Well, according to my POAS (pee on a stick), I am ovulating today!!!!!!! This is only the second time, the other being last month, that I've ever had one of these test register. It makes me cry...I can't believe it. I was beginning to think that maybe I wasn't going to Ovulate this month, since it' later than last. That was part of my problem lately too. But PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!
Then this morning my devotion just hit everything right on the head, yet again. It's a long one, but a good one:

Key Verse:
Ephesians 3:20, "Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope." (NLT)

Devotion:

I've often read Ephesians 3:20, which assures us that God is able to do exceedingly more than we could ever ask or think but I haven't always fully believed Him.

I have no trouble imagining moving into in a beach-side home and hiring a twice-a-week maid. I often think any day now science will make a remarkable face cream that makes me look gorgeous with no make-up on. I can also envision my two children receiving the Nobel Peace Prize for their future missions work. Yes, I was fairly confident my prolific imagination could keep up with God's ability to bless me.

When our first child was born, my husband drove a pick-up truck with no back seat for baby. So we traded the truck for a minivan and Rick began driving my old car: a powder blue, sub-compact, Plymouth Colt. For years, he drove that car to the university, watching his students pull into the space beside him in their shiny new or late model Jeeps, Durangos and even Beamers. A few years ago, as Rick's 40th birthday approached, I began to suspect this little, blue (dare I say girlie) car did not make Rick feel like the manly and successful guy he is. So I started to pray for God to make a way for Rick to get a car that he would enjoy driving. I prayed with great expectation.

Not long after, summer temperatures ascended upon the southern town where I live and our little blue car refused to blow cold air. I took the car to a trusted mechanic. The prognosis: it needed a whole new AC unit, costing $1,000 and four new tires, costing several hundred more. The car had been paid off well over a decade ago and was now only worth about a $1,000 (when everything was in working order!).

While I'd been praying for a different car for Rick, I assumed God would first cause some big windfall of money to come in that would make taking on a second car payment easier. Here we were, however, test-driving cars on faith with no windfall of money. After a few days of shopping, I looked at our financial statements and saw that we had more in savings than I thought. Furthermore, my father surprisingly offered us a few thousand 'early inheritance money' toward whatever car we chose. Rick's mother did the didn't. We didn't ask either of them to do this! Also, our credit union made a great low interest rate available to us.

Next, we followed God's prompting to a certain dealership where we fell in love with a brand new model completely loaded with options. Looking at the sticker price, I immediately thought, 'That is not doable!' The dealer, however, reduced the car price by nearly 20%. Then, to our amazement, they offered us another $800 for our trade-in with the busted AC and balding tires. Combined with the money freely offered us by family, this made the car easily doable.

It all seemed too good to be true. Though I had prayed with expectation and looked for God to an answer, I didn't recognize the answer when it came - just as the Jews didn't recognize their long-awaited Messiah when He came. I worried something must be wrong with this vehicle for the dealer to sell it so cheaply. Don't we sometimes fret that God's grace can't be offered us so freely?

I checked Consumer Reports which gave the car excellent reviews. I ran the vehicle's VIN number through every car history report and lemon check I could find, with no ill results. The car had never been sold and only had 12 miles on it. As I stood baffled at this great deal on a terrific car when Ephesians 3:20 came flooding into my mind. It was then I realized God had answered my prayers with a car exceedingly better than I had hoped for, and He had done it in a way different than I imagined.

We headed back to the dealership and signed the papers. To top things off, they further reduced the price of the vehicle for financing through them rather than our credit union, and we got the same low term and rate as our credit union offered. Now, each time I climb into Rick's shiny black SUV I remember that God can do exceedingly more than my overactive imagination can dream up.

What are you dreaming about today? What are you praying for? Are you expecting an answer from God? Remember it might not come quite how you expect. God is able, however, to exceed your expectations. Nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:47).

My prayer for today:
Dear Lord, thank you for your provision in my life. I choose today to believe that you can do exceedingly more than I ask or think. I will expectantly look for your blessings as I walk in obedience to your Word, in Jesus' name, Amen.

Power Verses:

Matthew 22:29 Jesus replied, "Your problem is that you don't know the Scriptures, and you don't know the power of God." (NLT)

"The truth is, you can go directly to the Father and ask him, and he will grant your request because you use my name. You haven't done this before. Ask, using my name, and you will receive, and you will have abundant joy. "I have spoken of these matters in parables, but the time will come when this will not be necessary, and I will tell you plainly all about the Father. Then you will ask in my name. I'm not saying I will ask the Father on your behalf, for the Father himself loves you dearly because you love me and believe that I came from God." John 16:23b-27 (NLT)

Luke 1:45, "You are blessed, because you believed that the Lord would do what he said." (NLT)

Luke 1:47, "For nothing is impossible with God." (NLT)

I took that prayer & wrote it out. I'm going to tape it all over my house, so I can keep praying it, since I have a problem with so much doubting.

2006-07-20T00:19:00.000-05:00

Some weeks are easier. Some days are easier. Some hours are easier. Some minutes are easier. Right now, this very minute, is not an easy one. The last few days, I've just felt a bit down. Maybe it was from a combo, of my back hurting & not being able to do much & the on & off again Mr. Migraine. But this evening I just broke down. The stress from everything is weighing on me something fierce. I'm still standing strong, but I'm just having a hard time with all the stuff that comes along with trying to make a baby. It's alot more difficult than people can imagine. It effects every single part of your life & I mean everything! The dynamics in relationships with others, your emotions & your marriage/love life. Speaking of which. I used to think before my 'real trying' days, that "Oh what fun it will be trying to make a baby! You get to do it all the time!" What the heck! I was living in some fantasy world. At first it was fun, now it's like, "Do we have to do this again?" Sorry, if it's too much info for ya....Remember I said I was going to be raw on here. If ya don't like it, don't read it! Anyway....I guess you can tell I'm just spent. Let me just clarify, there is absolutely nothing wrong in my marriage. It's just that our focus is on something different now. I just don't want anyone reading this thinking we are having problems now, with all this stress. Because that is in no way the case. I'm just being honest about the things that change, when you are a journey like this.

There's just so much going on in my mind. I don't know what to do some days. I just don't understand anything anymore. I can't wait to be able to turn this blog into my baby's blog. And set up the little ticker that counts down the days of my pregnancy.
I want to be exhausted from staying up all night with my child. I long for the days that this computer is not the first thing I run too. For when there are days, that I don't blog. And for when I'm not watching every Reality Show in creation. I want to sing lullabies to a sleeping little one in my arms. I want to go to the grocery store with my child in the buggy asking for everything they see. I want to be buying school supplies for my child to go to school. I want all of this. Why can't it be mine? Why am I having to wait?

I watched a show on TLC & about this couple that wanted kids & she had PCOS. She had twins & then wanted 1 more baby. They ended up with 6 more! 2 pregnancies & 8 kids. I know some are going to think I'm absolutely insane, but I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to have that happen. I'm serious. Sure the likely hood of it happening are slim to none, but what a blessing. And the mom said something that I want to be able to say someday. That they have each other. That is a huge fear for me, to one day be celebrating my 50th wedding anniversary with D....Alone. No kids, no grandchildren. No great grandchildren. If that happens what legacy will I leave behind...A pet cemetery?
There is an older couple that lives down the road from me. They never had any children. I'm not sure the reason. I look at their house every time I pass by it. They used to have an RV & would travel...The RV has been sold. She used to garden...Now she plants plastic flowers, because she can't garden anymore. And there in the back yard is her monuments to all the dogs that she had parented & are now in doggie heaven. Is that what my life will be like someday?

2006-07-13T13:39:00.000-05:00

Oh how I love it when I go to read a devotion & it speaks volumes to me & I end up reading it through tears. Here's my devotion today:

Devotion:
As a children’s ministry volunteer for many years, I’ve noticed a common trait among the children of church employees and pastors: they walk through the church with a unique confidence. It’s as if they are thinking, “My dad owns this place and I can go wherever I want.”

I understand this mentality because when I was a teenager, my mother worked as the office manager of our small church. She was an invaluable resource to every volunteer with her efficiency and problem solving abilities. Although I was a little older, I remember feeling pride in my mother’s role within the church. And it gave me a sense of ownership and authority.

A little child gains confidence because of his or her identification with a parent. Today, you and I can walk through this world with confidence because of our identification with our Heavenly Father.

As daughters of the Most High King, we have the privilege of approaching our Father’s throne with the boldest of requests. And yet, for some reason, (perhaps a false humility) we hang back.

In fact, we often act like orphans; afraid to ask for too much, afraid to seem greedy. But the truth is we have a Heavenly Father who “is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20). Even Jesus told us in Matthew 7:11 “If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!”

I heard the story of a professional golfer who was invited to play golf with the king of a Middle Eastern country. The golfer flew to meet the king and spent some time golfing with him. At the end of the visit, the king asked how he could thank the golfer for spending time with him. The golfer said there was nothing he needed, but the king insisted. So the golfer said, “How about a new golf club.” The king agreed, and the golfer returned to America.

Weeks went by and the golfer was curious about what type of club the king would choose. One day, a man appeared at the golfer’s home with an envelope from the king. The golfer opened the envelope to discover the deed to a golf country club.

The moral of the story is that we need to think like a king. But I would add, we actually need to think like the daughter of a King. We need to be convinced that God is able to do anything you or I ask, and that it pleases Him to do so.

It would be wrong to give the impression that God is like a rich grandfather with a blank check. Scripture is clear in other places that we need to be seeking God’s righteousness and pray according to His will.

But it is also wrong to walk around with our heads hung low, desperately seeking confidence and identity from worldly sources.

I believe we need to walk with our heads held high, in quiet confidence, knowing that our identity is found in being loved by a generous Heavenly Father, who “chose us in Christ before the foundations of the world to be holy and blameless before Him in love.” And this same God, who chose us, longs to give us good gifts.

My prayer for today:

Heavenly Father, thank you for choosing me, and adopting me into your family. Your love is overwhelming. Teach me to hunger after your will and your righteousness. I ask for a heart of boldness and confidence that comes from knowing my identity lies in being loved by You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Power Verses:

“Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7 (NIV)

“Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!” Matthew 7: 8-11 (NIV)

“For you know the generous act of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sakes He became poor, so that by His poverty you might become rich.” II Corinthians 8:9 (NRS)

“I will sing of the Lord’s great love forever; with my mouth I will make Your faithfulness known through all generations.” Psalm 89:1 (NIV)

“Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them." Matthew 18:19-20 (NRSV)

2006-07-12T01:46:00.000-05:00

It never seems to fail does it? Just when you are standing firm in your faith, here comes that tidal wave that tries to knock you back down. The waves keep crashing & some come so unexpectedly harsh, but I am remaining steadfast.

2006-07-09T15:29:00.000-05:00

Since I re-did my other blogs. I thought Baby Hopes needed a new look too!

I went to get my ovulation predictor stuff. I have heard great things about the saliva microscrope kind, so I went to the drugstore to buy one. It was almost $40! That wasn't in the budget this week. So, I went on & bought my 2 boxes of the POAS kind.

This cycle on Clomid hasn't been as bad. Except for the horrible migraines that is.

2006-07-01T13:11:00.000-05:00

Ding! Ding! Ding! Round 4 of Clomid begins!

I'm doing much better emotional/spiritually. I had a breakthrough earlier this week. Lots of shouting & crying out to the Lord. I asked forgiveness for all my doubting, unbelief & lack of faith. I told Him that I would trust Him no matter what. That was a HUGE step for me to take. I haven't really been able to say that & truly believe it with my whole heart. I have to trust that the Lord is going to do what's best for me. It may not be what I want, the way I want it, but in the end it will be the more than I could ever dreamed. I have to hold on to that.
I remember when I was single & was praying for a husband, I had a list of what I wanted in my man. Some of those things were just outlandish, when I think of them now. If I had "picked" out the man that I wanted, I probably wouldn't still be married. God knew just the man for me. Daniel is the best thing that has ever happened in my life, other than Christ, of course. We fit together perfectly. I could not imagine being married to someone with a different type of personality than his. We would clash beyond belief. Daniel & I rarely clash. Daniel loves me unconditionally...He honestly does. It still amazes me. I've never known a love like this. It's heaven sent.
The reason I'm saying all of this is, because God ordained my relationship with Daniel. And if I had done things the way I wanted, when I wanted, I would be miserable & have a screwed up, mess of a life. I don't want that when it comes to getting pregnant, having a baby or adopting. I want to do what the Lord wants. I need to follow His path. Even if the direction takes me to a place I never thought I would be. I never thought I would be on an infertility journey as it is & I have no clue where this road is taking me. I have to be OK with that. I do know that I will be a Mom someday. It's was born into my heart as a little girl. It's a desire of my heart. It was placed there for a reason. The way I become a Mom, just may not be the way I expected. Or dreamed. But it will happen. And today I am confident in that. I am walking with a peace that I haven't felt in a long time. And I can hear His voice so clearly now. I just had to let it go & stop fighting Him. Right now we are doing what we know we are supposed to do. If I have not become pregnant by the end of my 6 months of Clomid, we aren't sure about the next step. But I'm not worried about it now. I'm learning to take this thing one day at a time.

2006-06-26T22:31:00.000-05:00

Another month. Another negative pregnancy test. Why does it ever change? The same old endless cycle. Every month that passes it feels like the wind is knocked out of me. Inch by inch all the dreams that I've had stored up deep in my heart since I was a girl, are slowly fading away. And there is nothing I can do about it.
I don't know how to pray anymore. Not that I'm not praying, it's just I don't know how to direct them. I pray, I trust & believe it's going to happen...Then it doesn't. Am I wanting too much? Maybe I am. I have been blessed in so many ways. More than I can count. Maybe I'm past my blessing limit. That sounds crazy, but it's how I feel. I don't know anymore. I feel trapped in this world of infertility. I only have 2 months left of Clomid, that is if my Dr lets me continue after this month. He told me the other day there is nothing else he can do for me. Maybe I should change dr's, but then will I go from dr to dr & spend the rest of my life on Clomid. Thinking that maybe this one will work? What if God is telling us NO? It's silent where He is concerned. I'm not getting any answers from Him. The old saying "Prayers bouncing over the ceiling" is more true than it's ever been in my life. I'm tried of balling my eyes out, as I am right now. I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm tired of being discouraged. I'm tired of fighting this battle. I'm tired of taking Clomid. I'm tired of the emotional turmoil that I'm constantly in. I'm tired of hurting. And I'm tired of not getting what I want. I just want to have 1 baby!!!! That's all I'm asking for. I know it's a lie, but I feel like I'm being punished & I don't know what I did wrong. I have been laying all this stuff down daily...Well, several times a day. I don't know what to do. I know there is God's will & I need to wait on it. But what is His will?....He's not telling me anything. It's amazing all day I had to much hope & now....Nothing. Maybe I just need to be content in my life & give all of this up? But then am I having a lack of faith?

2006-06-26T00:42:00.000-05:00

I read this in a Conceive magazine & just had to post it! I have heard just about every one of these.

Things NOT To Say To Someone Experiencing Fertility Problems

~Just don't think about it, it will happen!

~Maybe you're trying too hard.

~But I bet it's fun trying!

~Just start to adopt-then you'll get pregnant! That happened to my friend.

~You're really lucky-you can do anything you want. We never get to go out anymore.

~Don't worry, you're still young.

~Why do you want kids anyway?

~Did you ever think of adopting?

~Pregnancy is easy for me. I'll be your surrogate.

~Anything new on the baby front?

~Are you keeping your legs up after sex?

~Is your husband wearing loose underwear?

~Are you taking your temperature?

~Are you using an ovulation predictor kit?

~You should have more sex.

~It's probably for the best.

~Don't worry, you'll get pregnant soon.

~You probably need a vacation.

~I get pregnant when I look at my husband.

~Give it time.

Here's a few I'm adding to the list:

~Don't get your hopes up.

~Maybe you aren't meant to be a mom?

~Maybe you just aren't supposed to give birth.

~It will happen, when it happens.

I was talking to another woman that is going through the infertility journey also & I was laughing so hard when she said this, because it's so true:

Don't listen to all those people who know all there is to know about Infertility and how to make a baby... you know those people... the ones that tell you to "JUST RELAAAAAAX, You thiiiiiiink it about to muuuuuch..." and the ones who say "maybe you should buy something really expensive that you really can't afford...., then it will happen" and then there is the wide known response, "well, my friend of a friend, whose cousins' daughter's son's girlfriend's mom's niece tried for 4 years. She got off Clomid...Stopped trying... Adopted.... Quit her job... Went on vacation...Sold crack... Became a prostitute....Ate trees.... Blah Blah Blah.... Fill in the blank (okay so I started getting sarcastic towards the end) and SHE got pregnant... So why don't you try that....." You know, they know everything...So don't listen to them!

It's crazy, because I don't know how many times I have heard that too. One time someone told me that "maybe it just wasn't meant to be." And do you know how many times that played in my head on repeat! I was haunted by it & still am at times. People just have no clue at how much women in this situation will take things to heart.
I've had some not ever talk to me because they've said, they just don't know what to say to me. Well, just try to put yourself in my shoes....What would you like to hear? I would much rather someone say, "Crystal, I can't relate to you in this situation, but I won't you to know I'm here. I support you & the decisions you are having to make." Not, "You are thinking about it too much."

2006-06-25T19:27:00.000-05:00

My heart is way too heavy right now. I just finished watching "Cheaper By The Dozen 2" & got all upset. Never thought that movie would get to me, but it did. I guess, it's just the dynamics of the kids & parents. Also, I have always dreamed of having a house full of kids & dogs. I got one part already, but......

I ovulated about the same this month as I did last month. Which is good, but Doc says, it's still not great. But with any ovulation there is always a chance of pregnancy. So, here's to hoping.

2006-06-18T01:10:00.000-05:00

I normally only talk about me & what I'm going through on here. But that doesn't mean that I'm not thinking of Daniel every step of the way. Today being Father's Day, has stirred up emotions in me that I'm going to share. Of course these are not the first time I've thought them.
These are the things I long, hope, wish for.....

That D could be truly celebrating today as a Daddy.
To give him a child that is his own, with his dimples & hopefully his height.
For the day when I can tell him he's going to be a dad.
For the time he gets to change his first diaper.
For when I leave him at home alone with the kids, so I can go to the store.
For his eyes to shine at the sight of our baby.
For him to talk to our little one, while it's still in my tummy.
For him to hold our babies for the first time.
To see him laugh out loud, while playing with our child.
To see him with the diaper bag on his shoulder & the car seat in his hand.
To hear him talking to the kids from the other room.
To walk beside him as we push the stroller.
To see him chase our child across the yard.
That he will able to share his kindness & love with our baby.
For him to fall asleep on the couch with our child tucked in his arms.
To see him holding our child's hand.
For him to teach them new things.
For that child to rock his world.

There are so many more....Oh how I want these things to come true....

2006-06-11T04:27:00.000-05:00

I've mentioned this before & it's a difficult thing to admit. But I think I'm really dealing with a small bout of depression. There is such a social stigma on that word & I know there are ALOT of people reading my blog. Even people that I don't know. But this is my blog & it's about sharing everything along this journey. If depression is part of it then I'm going to share it too. I just can't worry about what people think of me. I'm human for crying out loud. And people get depressed...Yes...Even Christians.

I've been reading up on it, trying to figure out what's wrong with me & here are some exerts of things I've found.

Depression associated with infertility is not the same as typical depression. Lisa Tuttle, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in fertility counseling, says that depression related to infertility is a combination of emotions: not just sadness, but jealousy, anger and grief. "Jealousy is probably the most painful, and more so because it's not really a socially acceptable emotion," says Tuttle. "There's also guilt for depriving spouses and parents of a child, loneliness and often loss of faith." Obsession is also a factor. Tuttle encounters many women who say they can't stop thinking about it, that it haunts them even while they're sleeping.
Marlo Schalesky wrote "Empty Womb, Aching Heart", from her own experience with infertility. She calls depression almost a normal part of [infertility treatments]. "Part of the reason is that every month you are reminded that you once again have failed to become pregnant," she says.
Schalesky experienced the gamut of emotions, from jealousy when it seemed as if everyone else had children, to loneliness, to occasional crises of faith. "I struggled physically, emotionally and spiritually," she says. "My faith helped in some ways, but in some ways it made it more difficult as well, because I had the additional question of why wouldnt God bless me. I really struggled with the spiritual aspect of my infertility."

Women with fertility problems are much more likely to have symptoms of depression than fertile women. In fact, as a group, women who have a hard time conceiving have levels of anxiety and despair equivalent to those found in women with cancer, heart disease, and HIV+ status.

I'm not sure if the depression is just from the Clomid or what. I know I surely don't feel like myself since I began taking it. So, I don't know. I went through depression as a teen & it's something I never thought I would deal with again. I became a born again Christian, at the age of 15 & was set free. And to now have this back in my life, I'm not sure how to feel about it. It's not like I can just say to myself "cheer up" & I'm perfectly happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mopping around or anything. It's more of a mental battle & I think it is also contributing to my fatigue. I have never taken so many naps in my life!
I guess one way to describe how I feel, is like when it's a beautiful sunny day & a large dark storm cloud rolls in & blocks the sun. The sun tries to break through, but that cloud is so darn big, the sun just can't fully be seen. There are beams shining through, but it's not completely visible. The storm cloud will go on by & the sun shines brightly again. Only to have yet another storm cloud cover it up.

This question has ran through my mind a few times throughout all of this, "Is my faith strong enough to withstand this storm?" Yes, I believe with my whole entire heart that it is. The Lord has been my first love for going on 15 yrs. I have trusted Him with my life & why should I stop now, just because I'm not getting what I long for? I am trying to trust Him in this. When I say "trying", I mean that I have my moments of distrust. The doubt blurs my vision at times. It's a daily battle for me. Sometime a moment by moment battle. The tears a flowing freely as I type & why am I doing this to myself right before I go to bed? Oh, I know why....Because the emotions can hit me at any given moment.

****About 30 mins later****

As I was writing the stuff above, I started to break & cry out to the Lord. I began to ask what He wanted me to do. And as plain as day I heard Him say TRUST ME. That's all He needed to say. And I told him that I would have my moments of doubt. I would worry. I would struggle. I wasn't always going to do the right thing. But above all else I would trust him. And then I spoke some of the hardest words I have ever spoken in my life. That I would trust Him no matter the outcome. Because I know, that I know, that I know, He has my best interest at heart. "For I know that plans I have for you," declares the Lord.

2006-06-07T02:14:00.000-05:00

Man~Oh~Man, last cycle I had a migraine/really bad headache for 2 weeks!!! I was thinking that maybe I wouldn't have to deal with that again this cycle, that doesn't look to be the case. I've had a migraine since Saturday. And they seem to get worse at night. Like right now...Uuugggg.

The last time I was at the Dr, for my bloodwork, I found this awesome magazine called Conceive....Well....Sshhhh, don't tell anyone, but I took it! It had some great articles & couldn't put it down. They had others, so I thought it would be OK.
Today I saw a commercial for this website called Fertility Lifelines. I went & checked it out & to my surprise, if you register with the website you get a free subscription to Conceive!!! So, if you are a woman suffering from infertility, go check it out.

2006-06-04T02:16:00.000-05:00

"Did that just come out of my mouth?"
"Did I just react that way?"
"Why am I crying?"
"I hope I didn't hurt someone's feelings?"

These are just a few things that run through my mind on any given moment while taking Clomid.

If it's a side effect, it's more than likely happening to me. Hahaha
I think though the worst is the emotional aspect. Not just crying either. I'm really moody. I am so anti-social right now. I don't want to be around anyone, except D. But he understands me. And if the phone rings...The person better catch me on the very rare moment that I'll actually answer it.

BUT it's all going to be worth it...There ain't no complaining coming from me.

2006-05-27T00:34:00.000-05:00

I have been cramping so bad. It stops me in my tracks sometimes. I have a high tolerance to pain (well, ya have to with the back issues I have), yesterday I was walking through the living room & ended up on my knees, from the cramping. Last cycle I was in the bed for 2 days. Which is not normal at all for me. I've always have easy periods.

My symptoms with 50mg of Clomid was pretty bad. 100mg it got worse. 150mg D says he's moving to my Mom's. I haven't begun this round yet, but I know it's going to be a doosey. I'm already ill as an old wet hornet. I yelled at D today at the pool. He was playing with the kids & I kept getting splashed. I continued to ask D to go to the other side of the pool, but he always ended up beside me. And I finally had enough & just let him have it. Then I immediately apologized to him & everyone there. I don't even like myself right now, so I can't imagine how D feels. Poor guy.

2006-05-24T23:44:00.000-05:00

I guess it's time to talk about what's been going on. I've gotten lots of e-mails & phone calls from those that were concerned. That always means alot, knowing people out there care.

Last Monday D got his test results back & they weren't what we were expecting. When he was tested in Cali, about 4 yrs ago. We were told that his count was high & to go make babies. So, when D suggested being tested again, I was shocked. Why when everything was fine? But Doc said it would be a good idea. And it was. His count ended up being 20 million, which is on the lower end of the spectrum. Plus 57% of those are deformed. You can't get pg with those, they are actually duds. So, this was not good news. But like Doc said, it only takes one little sperm. He has to go back in 3 months to be tested again to see if there are changes. Someone asked me if knowing something is wrong with D makes me feels better. That way the problem isn't all on me. HUH? I don't want anything to be wrong with D! What a stupid question. I would much rather me be the entire issue. Women's infertility is much easier to fix. Plus who the heck wants a double whammy. To have 2 strikes against you? I would never hope or wish anything like that on my husband. That would be extremely selfish & ridiculous.
Oh & for those that think this kinda talk will embarrass D. Don't worry, he wants me to share it all.

So, that same day I went in for my 21 day bloodwork (progesterone levels). We had BD'd (baby danced) like bunnies during my fertile week. So, I was expecting good things. Unlike last cycle I was keeping my heart guarded, though.

Tuesday I got the results & things changed for me. I was told that I didn't ovulate. Well, I'll take that back. I ovulated like I did last cycle, which was almost nothing. They had expected the #'s to go up, since I was on 100mg of Clomid & not 50mg. The nurse told me that my body was not responding to the Clomid & that the next step would be a fertility specialist. When I hung up the phone, I calasped, on the couch. I was more broken than I have ever been in my life. I just kept yelling Why? Why? Why? through my sobbing. I felt like the rug of my dreams was slowly being ripped out from under me. Clomid is my only option to give birth. Without it, what am I going to do? I cried for at least 24 hrs. I couldn't believe this. D's results & now mine! What kinda cruel joke was being pulled on us? I was so angry, hurt & bitter. It's so easy, to say just trust, but when you are in the fire, it's so difficult. This past week has been one of the hardest of my life. I am so drained.

I was told to come back in for another progesterone level bloodwork on Monday if Aunt Flo hadn't appeared. I went & they decided to run a pg test along with it, just in case. Of course that was negative.
Doc called me today with the results. Last cycle & the bloodwork from last week showed me at a level 4. You need to be at 15 to really be ovulating. Well....This test showed that I was at a level 9!!! Awesome news! So, what that means is I'm actually ovulating alot later in my cycle. And we normally aren't BDing during that time, because we are wore slap out by then! LOL I'm so grateful that I ovulated at a higher level, so that I could continue Clomid. I don't know what I would have done, otherwise. Praise the Lord!

So, now Doc has upped the Clomid to 150mg & that's the highest he will go. I'm to buy 2 ovulation predictor kits, so that I can test for 14 days, instead of 7. We need to try & determine when O is actually occurring. I've have never gotten a read on those things.

This is a place I never thought I would have to visit. I have been so low. I know the Lord is right beside me, but at times it is not easy to see Him there. I hate it when people try to make me feel better, by comparing my situation to others. I remember a friend of mine had a miscarriage & I did that to her. I hurt her. I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I know differently. I know how she felt. My pain is my pain. I am entitled to feel it. If I wasn't then why, did God give us these emotions? He knows my hearts cry. I know he does. Sometimes though, I wonder if He's listening. But we did have good news today & I need to cling to that good news. Thank you Jesus for being so faithful to me, even when I doubt you so strongly. You are good to me, I know that deep down. Sometimes the heartache clouds my vision of it. I love you more than words.

2006-05-16T23:26:00.000-05:00

Everyone that reads this please pray for me. I need it desperately right now. I am broken. I'm not ready to say on here what's going on, but I just need some support.
Thanks.

2006-05-14T22:25:00.000-05:00

Today was much harder than I imagined. I had put it in the back of my mind that it was going to be Mother's Day, until last night, it just kinda hit me in a flood. It's the first yr that it has bothered me this bad. I ended up not going to church, because I tripped & hurt my ankle, along with my back, last night, so I couldn't walk very well. It was a blessing & that sounds weird to say, but I would have been a basket case in church, if I had gone. I was teary eyed all day as it was.

I just hope that every Mother out there, doesn't take what a gift it is for granted. Stop & take a look at your life & imagine what it would like to not have your children in it & possibly never be able to have them. I know it can be challenging to be a Mom. But it's a challenge I long for. Because with it comes so many rewards. Precious moments that are only between a parent & a child.

D was tested on Friday & we got to actually see the little sperm, in the microscope. It was very cool seeing what is our potential children swimming around. I'm so nervous about these results, though.

2006-05-09T00:17:00.000-05:00

I have been struggling with actually posting lately. My frame of mind is not in a good place. But someone I talked to today, said that I needed to get out some of these emotions. This is going to raw, so here goes...

This is my second month of Clomid & I feel like I'm going crazy. If it doesn't work this month, then I have only 4 months left. I feel like my whole life hinges on those months. Because you are only allowed 6 months on Clomid at a time. It makes things seem desperate. It's really the only way for me to get pg. I can't do the in-vitro. And adoption just isn't an option for us either. We don't have that kind of money. So, if Clomid doesn't work, what will I do?

I am not doing good emotionally. I'm battling depression. That was hard for me to actually admit. I don't want anyone to think less of me for saying it. But it's true.
Nothing seems to please me. D was supposed to bring me home a Coke, the other day & he forgot. I had a good cry over it. I just can't seem to control my emotions.

I have tears in my eyes ready to spill out at any given moment. I can't deal with people with kids right now. I'm sure people think I'm being mean or I'm mad at them. But I'm having to do this to protect myself. I have a difficult time reading some blogs. I often find myself in tears, sitting at the computer. It hurts when I hear someone else is pregnant. And it hurts when people think it's their civic duty to report the good news to me. There are so many fears & "what if's" playing in my mind.

D is going to be tested again. No one told him too. But he decided on his own that he should. Doc agreed it was a good idea. Just to totally element him from the equation of being the problem. We know that I'm the issue, but it would all be piontless if D is part of it too. I'm sure he's fine. He was before, but there are always uncertainties. What a gift of a husband I have. Most men, refuse to be tested. It's a blow to their egos. But I have a husband that decides out of the blue, he wants to be tested yet again. I love him beyond words. And there is no way I make it without him & his unconditional love.

I am so tired of not being a Mom. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm too old for the 20 & unmarried crowd. Everyone my age, is married with babies or having them. People in their 30's all have school age kids. And there are those with teenagers or they are grandparents. So where do I fit in? There isn't anywhere. I'm the only one left in my group of friends that is not in the wonderful "Mommy club." I feel I'm becoming a bitter woman. And I don't want to be. But I'm just so exhausted. I can't deal with the pain of this. What if after the 6 months, I'm still not pregnant? I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what kinda of a person I can be without being a Mom. It's the only dream I've ever had, except for marriage. And now to have that dream in question, is killing me.

This is such a lonely & hard road. And I often ask God, why I was chosen for it. What is the reason? One quote that has always been a favorite of mine is, "The longer the preparation time, the greater the task." I'm scared of that quote now. What am I being prepared for?

What a moment by moment battle this is. I am constantly in prayer. The thoughts alone are scary. I feel I'm losing myself in all of it. It truly is a rollercoaster ride. One day or moment I'm full of hope & optimistic, but then I'm as low as I can get.

D asked me the other day if I was OK. I told him no, I'm not, that I'm not going to be OK, until I'm actually holding our child in my arms. Until that day, NO, I'm not OK.

Oh, Jesus give me strength.

2006-05-04T01:47:00.000-05:00

Wait with hope. Hope now; hope always!
Psalms 131:3

I cry out, GOD, call out: "You're my last chance, my only hope for life!'
Psalms 142:5

GOD- you're my only hope!
Psalms 143:9

Instead, get help from the God of Jacob, put your hope in GOD and know real blessing!
Psalms 146:5

2006-04-29T00:49:00.000-05:00

I had a breakdown the other night. Just out of the blue, I began to cry uncontrollably. All of this is so taxing on my emotions. I haven't wanted to be around anyone. I haven't returned any e-mails or phone calls either.

I am so grateful for so much though.
My incredibly loving, patient, wonderful husband. Marriages that have to face infertility issues, can be very strained. But thankfully ours never has been. I often tell D that I could not have walked through this journey with anyone else, nor would I ever want too. The Lord knew exactly who I would need to hold my hand, wipe my tears & be my support. I get so upset at times, because I feel bad that I haven't been able to conceive. To give him a child. And D always tells me that no matter where our life takes us, he will never stop loving me. The best thing is, I know that is true. What a blessing to have confidence in our love.

I am thankful that I have an amazing Dr. Whom I would never have found, if not for this baby blog. Someone in my area, happened read my blog & referred me to my Doc. How good is God? He truly does work in mysterious ways. Also, I have gained some very cool new friends through this blog.

I ovulated last cycle!!! Even if it were a weak O. It was still an O. Which my body doesn't normally do.

But I am not looking forward to Mother's Day. It is just a reminder of what I am not & long to be. Every year that passes, I think that maybe the next one, I'll actually get to celebrate it as a Mom. I have a hard time with thinking about time. Another birthday has passed, another month, another day. But how do I go about not thinking about time? When everyday I'm looking at a calendar, so I know what day my cycle is on?

2006-04-26T11:52:00.000-05:00

*Just a reminder*
If you have anything you would like to say to me about this blog, please DO NOT comment on Pink Lucy, I will delete it. I want these blogs to remain seperate for a reason. It's also why this blog is not set up for comments. Please e-mail me instead.

2006-04-26T10:57:00.000-05:00

Goodness, it's been over 2 weeks since I have posted anything. And those 2 weeks have been lived holding on to hope so strongly.

I began experiencing all kinds of signs of pregnancy. Very tender breast, nausea, appetite changes & cramping. So, I believed with all that I am.

The Dr called & said that I did ovulate!!! It was weak, but I ovulated just the same. So what great news that is! I did take a pg test a few days early, at Doc's request & it was negative. But the day I was supposed to start, came & went. I have been very regular for a while now, so this made me believe even stronger

I would constantly pray about everything. I don't think I have ever hoped more in my life. How exhausting that was. Pushing away every negative thought that came my way. Or anytime someone would say something, I would refuse to believe it in my heart. We are supposed to believe, are we not? If we have faith of a mustard seed? So that's what I did. I had faith that I was pregnant.

I went to the Dr. for a blood test to see if I were pg. And as I left the Dr., Aunt Flo made her appearance 5 days late. But I still believed. Woman all the time, get negative results & can even have their periods (especially the first month) & still be pg.

I came home & waited for the Dr to call with the results. But during this time, I began to experience the worse period I have ever had. Which only made matters worse. So, I knew there was no way I was pg. The Dr didn't call until 6 pm & told me that the test was negative. I already knew it, but the words crushed me. It's so difficult to believe something so strongly & it not come true. For it to all come crashing down. I am so broken right now. During these times I have to isolate myself from the world. I'm way too emotionally sensitive. My heart is ripped in two. The last thing I care to hear about right now, is some people talk about their struggles with their little ones. It's just to hard for me to hear.

I wanted to give D, a baby for his birthday. I had been hoping that would come true for months. I kept thinking, I've got 4 months to get pg. 2 months left. 1 month. Now the time has passed.

I knew that Clomid was going to be a difficult road to go down. I just don't think that I can trust my own instincts anymore. If I show any symptoms next month, I'm just going to "try" to ignore them. When I told my Dr about all the symptoms I had, he said that if he didn't have the negative results in front of him, that he would believe I was pg too. That made me feel better. At least I know I'm not crazy. I am now on my second month of Clomid, 100mg.

Even though my thoughts are so mixed up. And I'm emotionally & physically drained. I'm still going to cling to the promises that the Lord has given me. It can be so hard to do so. But HE is all that I've got. And I believe Him. So, I am going to continue to get my hopes up & stand firm. It can be a moment by moment battle. But He is victorious!!!

2006-04-10T22:32:00.000-05:00

It never ceases to amaze me, just how bad words can feel like a stab in my heart. Especially when it comes from people that know what I'm going through. Just simple words to the common woman, but daggers to one is who is not a mom, but yearns to be.

2006-04-10T01:58:00.000-05:00

I'M JUST......BELIEVING.

2006-03-31T19:52:00.000-06:00

Thank you, Thank you Jesus, He's so good to me!!!

I didn't sleep much last night, because I was so anxious. I just kept thinking too much & praying. Thinking & praying. And just when I finally got to sleep the alarm went off @ 5:15.

On the way there, I listened to my Crystal Lewis "See" CD. I gotta have Crystal Lewis, she's my fav you know? I needed to sing & worship to get myself prepared. And these lyrics from one song just hit me. I had to listen to the song again. "So open my eyes to see. The hope just beyond the doubt." WOW! I needed those words. Oh, how I love when lyrics pop out at you like that.

We got to the outpatient registration kinda early, we had to be there by 8 & my test was scheduled @ 8:30. We were walking out the door by 8:40.

D got to be in there with me the entire time. He got to wear one of those apron things, like the techs wear. He was quite excited it was a blue one.

I just LOVE my Doc. He is so gentle & nice. And he explains everything, which I need.
Because of my nerves, I was burning up. And the test was pretty painful when he shot the dye in there. I was about to squeeze D's hand off. It was over really quickly but during those few moments, all I could think was, "Lord please hurry!"

As soon as they got the pictures they needed, Doc came over & showed us my insides on the screen. I was so worried. He explained what everything was & what had just happened. And then he said the news that I have waited a week for. Everythings perfect!!!! He said that the test couldn't have been better. And that my fliopian tubes & uterus are all clear. The dye flowed right through them the way that they wanted. He also said the main reason he wanted to do this test wasn't because he thought there was something wrong. It was just to flush out my plumbing, so to speak. Now everything will flow freely. He said to get busy baby dancing. Especially since this test increased my chances for pregnancy.

After Doc left & D went to the hallway. I went to get dressed. And I broke down in the bathroom. What a huge burden that was lifted off of me. Ever since, Doc told me that I was having that test done, I have felt so low. I always think the worse. Then I felt awful, for doubting the Lord. I had to apologize to Him. He is taking care of me. He loves me.

I want to take a sec & thank everyone for your prayers, thoughts, e-mails & phone calls. What an incredible group of people that I have been blessed to have in my life. It means more than you could ever imagine.

2006-03-30T22:11:00.000-06:00

I'm anxious about tomorrow. Prayerfully it's going to be much ado about nothing.

2006-03-29T11:59:00.000-06:00

I took my last Clomid yesterday. I've had a few side effects. Feeling tired, bad headaches, a few hot flashes & I'm just very anti-social. I just want to be left alone. I think that I'm feeling partly that way, because I'm afraid I may snap on someone, at any given time. So staying away from the possibility is better. :) I read that these symptoms can last up to, 4 days after your last pill. So we will see. I'm not complaining about this stuff, it will all be worth it in the end.

Friday is my HSG & I'm so scared. I'm afraid they will find something wrong with me. I know I shouldn't be feeling that way, but everyone has there fears before something like that. I just want everything to go smoothly, to work perfectly, to end quickly & the results be normal.

I've been struggling so much with hope. I know I'm to hope, to not lose hope. But then I'm not to get my hopes up. I'm constantly battling this in my mind. What if I don't hope enough & that's why I didn't get pg. What if I hoped too much & it's not meant to be. Then I'm crushed. Over & over this plays in my head. And everyday I 'try' to commit it to the Lord, but everyday I pick it back up. I'm such a worrier by nature. I want to know all the details ahead of time. It's just so difficult to trust. To not be in control.

Oh Lord, please forgive me. Help me to not lean on my own understanding (which isn't much), but to TRUST in You. To place my HOPES in You.

2006-03-26T23:55:00.000-06:00

AIN'T THIS THE TRUTH......

2006-03-26T23:34:00.000-06:00

The other day a friend left me a message on my machine. And she read a scripture.

I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
Jeremiah 29:11 (the Message)

All I could so was cry as I stood there listening. It's so overwhelming when the Lord tells you what you need to hear at the right time, you need to hear it. What's so amazing about this particular scripture is that it has always been my most favorite. I've always considered it MY scripture. It was just another sweet whisper from the Lord saying that He knows...He knows my hearts cry.

2006-03-23T21:34:00.000-06:00

What a day of mixed emotions this has been.
Before I left, I received a sweet package in the mail from a friend & in it was a little card with the most appropriate scripture for me on this day.

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE
Then you will call and the Lord will answer,
You will cry for help, and He will say:
Here am I.
Isaiah 58:9

The Lord never ceases to amaze me. How I can read a scripture yesterday & it not effect me, but I hear it today & it's just what I need. Of course I had to have a good cry after that.

I went to the Dr for my consultation & it didn't go quite the way I had expected, but what ever really does? Doc was happy to know that my cycle is pretty regular...Very good sign. Then I almost lost it when he said he wasn't ready to put me on Clomid. And that he wanted to do a procedure next week, that is if Aunt Flo cooperates (I pray she does). That procedure is called HSG. I was not happy about this at all. I heard this can be quite painful. But he reassured me that is was going to be OK. And that for some women after having this done, increase their chances of getting pregnant by 50%. That is good news. He then went on & decided to put me on Clomid & I will begin that tomorrow. It was a great visit, but all of this can just be so emotionally draining. I cried on the way home, because it just makes me wonder why I was chosen to walk this path.

When we went to get the Clomid filled, we were both very worried about the cost. I said to the Lord on the way there, "If this is road we are going to have to go down, then You are going to have to help us out." And He did!!! Our insurance doesn't cover it, but it was half the price thaN we had orginally thought!!! I was standing in Wal-mart looking up to the sky saying, "Thank you JESUS! Thank you JESUS!!!"

2006-03-22T22:30:00.000-06:00

Here I am again. This is honestly the lowest I think I have ever been during this journey. Normally, I'll have my Baby Breakdown moments, then they'll pass. But today has been an entire Baby Breakdown day. I thought I may be pregnant & yet another month had passed & it isn't to be. Another month that I have grown older. Another month that I'm not a Mom. Another month that I hurt. Another month that is lost. I had hoped & believed that I would be pregnant before, I was to begin Clomid.

Tomorrow is the day I go to meet with my Dr for my Clomid consultation. I just believed it so strongly & I'm not pregnant. I feel like I have been crushed yet again. I feel defeated. I'm not sure why it's hitting me so hard this time. Maybe because I hoped too much. I'm glad that I'm going on Clomid. What a gift to have that opportunity. Many women have become Mom's from that miracle drug. And I believe that I will be one of those. I know I sound crazy, 1 second believing, the next crushed. It's because my emotions are so mixed up. I know I'm supposed to believe & to trust. But when I lay it all out on the line, it doesn't happen. Then I get hurt.

What would it be like to be normal? To decide that I'm now ready to be a Mom, to make that choice. And then in a few months time to find myself pregnant, just as I has planned? Woman who have that ability has absolutely NO clue, what a gift that is. They take it for granted. To plan on having 3 children & to actually have 3 children. And at the times they wanted. Or what about the women who don't plan & find themselves with a happy surprise in their tummy? I've always wanted that. To be pregnant & not know. To be so shocked that I'm to be a mom. But that's not my life. My life is wondering from day to day, from cycle to cycle, if my body is going to cooperate or not. If I'll by chance be fertile. Some people have said to me. "Well if you would just relax, you'll probably get pregnant." People SHUT UP! If you had to deal with this, you wouldn't be that relaxed. Like I have said before even though we have been trying for a long time, doesn't mean that this entire time has been 'trying', ya know? There have been times, even almost a yr that we didn't do any 'trying' techniques. So, I've tried the relaxed thing. It didn't work for me. I don't want to sound bitter.

Oh Sweet Jesus, how I need You. Help me. Help me to lean on you. And to remember that You are in control. You see the big picture. I only see now. I have to be reminded that of that way too often, don't I? I love you & my life is in Your hands.

2006-03-22T12:20:00.000-06:00

The color red...
Means no
Says not now
Is my anger
Is my passion
Is my desire
Are my eyes after many tears shed
Means I have to wait
Has no clue
Does it's own thing
Is the love I have to give
Are my flushed cheeks
Hurts
Is life
The color red is...

~Written by me this morning

2006-03-16T00:16:00.000-06:00

Why do I do these things to myself? I just got back from a late night run to Wal-mart. And since I was alone, I ended up in the Baby department, which I normally avoid. I kept circling the area. I would touch the soft clothes & blankets. I held a pack of pacies. Look at diapers & all the other precious stuff. All the while dreaming. I finally had to make myself that department before I broke down. I went directly to the make-up to try to get my mind off of it.

2006-03-11T00:21:00.000-06:00

Why do the tears come so unexpectedly? Why can I be fine & the next minute, my chest becomes so tight? Oh, how it hurts. Will it ever be? I know I can't control things & that makes it even more difficult. I know You have plans for my life, Lord. But what if those plans don't include me being a mom? What if I'm never to experience that? Sometimes the emotions are way to hard to bare. The tears are flowing as I type. I see all those around that are glowing with such joy. Those that are expecting a new arrival. Those that already have little ones. Will I ever know that? Will I ever be the one not getting any sleep? The one kissing the boo-boos? The one sad, because it's the first day of kindergarten? The one who worries when they are out of my sight? I used to want a house full of children, but now I just want one. Oh, Lord...Why can't I have just one baby? Why? Please what do I need to do? I'm trusting, but that doesn't take away the pain. The longing. Help me.

2006-02-28T00:17:00.000-06:00

I've had a few of dreams recently.

The first one, I was at church & with my 3 yr. old little girl. She was dressed in a real frilly dress with white lace socks & Mary Jane shoes. She had brown curly hair, that bounced when she walked. She had a real bubbly personality & dimples in her fat cheeks.

The second one was, I had 1 daughter, I think she around 2 yrs. old (it seems like she was the girl from the first dream) & a set of twins, a boy & a girl. We were in the kitchen, they were in their high chairs (the twins were younger & were reclining in the chairs) & I was feeding all of them.

2006-02-26T12:36:00.000-06:00

I wonder if my writing all these raw emotions on here makes people uncomfortable. I know some people don't know what to say to me. But the things is, it's nice to know that I'm being supported. I don't have to have people 'understand' in order to talk to me about all of this. And they don't have to 'comprehend' it either. It's just nice to know that others are standing with you. They don't have to have a clue about the situation, they don't have to 'try' to make me feel better, they just need to stand with me.

My situation is different from others, no 2 are the same, just as in every other experience.
I haven't experienced a miscarriage or the loss of a baby, so I don't know what that kinda pain feels like. And thank you Jesus, I haven't had too & prayerfully never will. I don't know how women survive that. But I know the pain of not ever having a child inside of me. Of wondering if I will ever be a mom biologically. Will I be the guest of honor at a baby shower, opening the gifts? Will I be the one that people are at the hospital awaiting for me to give birth? Will my house be the one in the neighborhood with a bow on the mail box? Will I be able to be apart of the ever growing Mommy club? Will I stand back & take pictures of Daniel holding our child's hand as they walk down the beach? There are sooo many 'what if memories' that play in my head on a daily bases.

I feel like such a failure at times. I feel like my opinion about children just doesn't count since I'm not a parent. I've been around babies & children my entire life. My Mom had a home daycare for years & years. I started babysitting next door at the age of 11. I worked in a daycare. I've read the books. But I'm not a parent so I just don't know anything, right?

So anyway enough of my rambling for today....

I have one more cycle to go & then I will go on Clomid, if I'm not pregnant by then. Hope in 2006!

2006-02-20T19:12:00.000-06:00

I'm am so upset right now. I am so tired of all of this. I have not been told that I can't have children of my own & until that day (which I don't believe will ever happen) I will continue to try to make a baby with my husband. I want to adopt someday, it's something I have always wanted to do. BUT for me right now adoption is NOT the answer!!!! And I'm have had it with people saying anything about it. Adoption is a beautiful gift, for parents & for children. Someday Daniel & I will adopt, but that is later down the road. It's something we have always planned on doing. The comment I hate the most is, "Well, if you adopt, you'll probably get pregnant." WHAT THE HECK IS THAT ABOUT? Like I would ever bring a precious child into my home & my heart, just because I may get pregnant because of it. You can't buy me a baby. I am so hurt. That's not going to make all things perfect in Crystal's world. I know people say things, because they 'think' they are trying help, but it only seems to make matters worse. I would not want to hurt anyone, but some people have no clue what they are saying. I know they love me though.
I feel so completely alone in this journey at times. I am walking around with a broken heart. Of course, I have an incredible husband that loves & supports me, but there is no possible way he can understand that deep down physical ache that I live with. I notice things in the world that I never would have seen before. I'm always aware of the fact that I'm the only woman, that's not a Mom in the room. I can't relate to all the 'kid' stories. Even though my heart is aching to know. Oh Jesus I need your strength. I need your wisdom & I need your Joy, because sometimes I can't seem to find it in this world of baby making machines.

2006-02-15T23:53:00.000-06:00

I have been ultra emotional the last 2 days & I can't seem to snap out of it. I hate it too. I don't want to feel this way. I don't know what's wrong with me.

2006-02-10T22:33:00.000-06:00

That Johnson & Johnson commercial that says 'Having a baby changes everything', always makes me cry. It definitely touches a sore spot with me. The one that gets me the most is the little fat baby getting a bath in the kitchen sink. Oh Lord, help me...This is so difficult at times. I feel like I can't breath.